He's here!!! My little man was born!
OK so first things first, the diabetes....I was totally able to control with diet and exercise! It really wasn't hard at all.
I actually managed to exercise up to the week before my delivery! I didn't exercise the week of delivery because I was crazy busy and you'll see why next...
So this is how it went down....
I was supposed to deliver on Thursday of my delivery week but it was moved to Wednesday because I had a whole lot of people required for a safe delivery. As I've told you before my perinatologist is very much the "better safe than sorry" type of doctor, which is alright by me! So she decided that we were going to have her practice partner (another perinatologist) present because he's older and much more experienced so we was the perfect wingman. She also talked to the hospitals anesthesiology team because anesthesia is a very tricky thing for people with heart problems, and they recommended she take 2 of their top people for my surgery, and she also wanted a cardiologist present and the NICU team present just in case things went south. As you might imagine scheduling all these people was a huge undertaking. So I was supposed to go in Tuesday night so that they could do all the labwork and set up my anesthesia with plenty of time for my surgery.
On Monday morning I went in for my last Dr's appointment, I sat down for my NST and as the nurse is strapping me in she says "are you excited???" and I nodded with a goofy grin because of course I was on top of the world! Then she says "so are you all packed and ready to go to the hospital tonight?"...yeah TONIGHT!! I felt my jaw drop and asked her "no, it's tomorrow night, my surgery isn't until Wednesday" her brow furrowed and she looked at my file then she said "no we had to move your surgery one more time because of scheduling, your having your baby tomorrow morning!" My hubby gave me a panicked look. So after a number of phone calls to my hubby's work and family and settle them down because everyone was panicking (of course)we had our last ultrasound (and we hardly saw anything b/c my son was engaged and ready to go so he was too low to see his little face but it didn't bother me because I was so excited that I'd finally get to meet him soon! Then my doctor did a rundown of what would happen, had me sign the paperwork for my tubal (b/c in my particular case another kid wold be too risky) and sent me on my merry way.
We rushed home (an hour and a half trip by the way) my hubby ate and got ready to rush to work and my mom, sis and I did laundry and got me all packed and ready to go to the hospital. My hubby got out of work early so that he could take me and in what felt like a blur of time I was at the hospital!
The nurses showed me to my room and then they took blood for labwork and put in my IVs...yeah I had 2 IVs, why? Well the doctors wanted an IV for fluids (which I was on very minimal fluids because in case you don't know too many fluids and heart failure patients don't mix! And the second IV served as a backup and in case I needed an emergency blood transfusion. As I've said before I have HORRIBLE veins so even tho I had spent all day drinking water, finding good veins was still an undertaking, lucky for me I was only stuck three times, two for each IV and once for the bloodwork. I was also hooked up to the usual monitors and then I was left to rest and wait to talk to the anesthesiologist. My mom and sister left to meet up with my dad, grandma and brother (who started driving to El Paso from San Antonio as soon as they heard and I started Facebooking LOL.
After a little while, the anesthesiologist came in and we had a little chat, she said she had spent all afternoon reading my (giant) file and was incredibly impressed with my last echo, she asked about my activity level and diet then she congratulated me and said "I honestly think you have gotten your heart in better shape than a large portion of 'healthy' people!" which made me feel GREAT because she was validating my years of hard work! She asked what kind of anesthetics my cardiologist recommended, I told her that my doctor (and most research on PPCM) suggested and epidural instead of the traditional spinal because there was a lower risk of complications, she agreed and said that it was what she was going to suggest. Then she said that she would be back at 3:30 am to start the epidural because she wanted to add the medication nice and slow in case of complications especially since I'd never had an epidural before.
So my hubby and I went to sleep and tried to get some rest. Despite the IVs and the excitement I was able to fall asleep rather quickly. In the middle of the night the nurse came in and was looking intently at the monitors, I asked if something was wrong and she informed me that I was having contractions every 3 minutes and asked if I had been feeling them. I told her that I thought they were Braxton Hicks so I hadn't been paying attention to them. She gave me a shot of medication to stop the contractions because for c-sections doctors like contractions to be present. Within the hour they were gone and I went right back to sleep. My poor hubby must have had the worst night's sleep because he would wake up every time I stirred. Nevertheless we survived the night. At 3am my parents showed up bright eyed and bushy tailed. I told them about the meeting with the anesthesiologist. At 3:30 as promised the anesthesiologists showed up to set up my epidural, they were able to quickly set me up and start administering the medicine. I began to shake and the doctors said it was because of the adrenaline interacting with the epidural. As we were waiting for me to numb completely the nurse got my hubby all suited up for the delivery. Once we were all set the anesthesiologist looked at me and with a big smile said "OK, this is it! Are you ready to be a mommy?!?" I couldn't help it, tears began to trickle down my cheeks as I nodded she said to cry if I wanted to and all I could choke out was "I'm so happy, relieved" my mom came and held my hand and gave me a kiss on my forehead and told me I'd done so well and to cry it out. They wheeled me out of my room and into the operating room. I'd never seen an operating room so full! My doctor was there waiting for me and despite the mask, I could tell she was as happy and relieved as me. She asked how I was feeling and if I was ready. I smiled and told her "let's do this!" They very quickly prepped me and she asked a nurse to go get my husband. My hubby came in jittery and misty eyed. He held my hand and said "hi beautiful, you ok?" I nodded and the doctor said "look over here so you can see your little man be born" my hubby stood up and squeezed my hand and I felt a little pressure and then I heard my little guy cry. It was the most wonderful sound in the world (the first time anyways LOL), tears began streaming again and all I could choke out was "WOW!!" I saw a nurse rush over to the crib where the NICU nurses were waiting with a little bundle that I knew was him and my hubby, still holding my hand, was stretching to see, so I squeezed his hand and said "go, go!" he kissed my forehead and hurried over to take pictures of our little guy. A nurse brought my baby over and said "here's your baby! Give him a kiss" so I kissed his forehead and they whisked him away to the nursery for weighting, shots, etc. I started feeling funny and I asked the anesthesiologist why I was feeling so funny and she asked if I was sleepy and I said yes and she told me it was because my heart rate had started to race with all the adrenaline so she gave me something to calm me down, but that I could go to sleep. I vaguely remember seeing my mom in the hallway in route to recovery and her saying "He's SO beautiful!!! He's doing great don't worry sleep" I woke up several times while in recovery, fighting the sleep to ask for my baby. After four hours I was finally able to wake up. I asked the nurse about my baby and she said he was doing great in the nursery and that as soon as I got a room they would bring him to me, so I told her to get me a room or I'd get up and go find him, she told me I couldn't do it with numb legs, so I lifted my legs to show that I was no longer numb. Her eyes widened and said "ok, ok don't do anything crazy, I'll go get you a room" so for the record...threats work ;).
I was soon moved to my room and my whole family was waiting there. After 15 minutes of waiting I told my mom "will you please go demand my baby for me please, tell them that if they don't bring him I'll go myself!" she had just left when my hubby came in with our son. I was SO happy to finally meet my baby and to finally be in the same room as my two men again! The nurse told me he had not eaten so I needed to try and feed him ASAP. He attached easily and began trying to eat as much as possible but my milk hadn't come in so he was getting drops.
We got to hang out with our little guy but as as it happens to anyone that hasn't eaten his blood sugar dropped because no one had told us to supplement so he was taken to the NICU. And that my dear friends was a whole other hurdle on my trip down Mommy Lane...
to be continued...
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Pregnancy Update--The Glucose Debacle continued
So as promised here I am updating about the very important diabetes and pregnancy class I had today...yeah now keep in mind that I am the type of person that does extensive research on whatever issue I have before I go meet with a health care professional just so I know what we're talking about and what questions to ask. I always tell people "you know A-type personalities? I'm A++ type so whatever instructions you give me make sure it's really what you want me to do because I WILL go overboard" so having said that...the class didn't really help me much. She basically gave me some handouts of the "diet" they recommend (I'll post a PDF of them a little later on so you can see the incredible detail they go into) and it turns out I eat better than that except for the fact that I did allow myself treats like candy and ice cream on occassion....OK I'll admit it, I was addicted to Bryer's Natural Fruit pops!!! And now I'm having withdrawals...but I'll survive with really cold (I might stick them in the freezer even) strawberries. I did find out that I'm not eating enough and I'm letting too much time pass between meals. So I definitely have to get on that. I'm supposed to eat something (not necessarily a big something an apple, handful of grapes and two little cubes of cheese, etc) every 2.5 hours and eat 3 meals a day she said it was ok to have a small breakfast, and medium sized lunch and dinner so I can live with that. She also told me not to worry if my blood sugar was very high the first few times I took it because it was totally normal, the idea is that as I follow the new restrictions my blood sugar will level out and stay under control. The tought of seeing my blood sugar above normal scared me even if it was normal. It's ridiculous how easily stressed I get over my health...which we all know is NOT good for you! And yet, I can't help it. It's like I'm permanently spooked, I hate it!
When we were done talking our very short talk about diet, she showed me how to use the monitor and I was on my way with handouts and a new blood sugar monitor. Basically the way it works is when you wake up you take your blood sugar--this measurement you want to be <90 mg/dl; then one hour after every big meal (breakfast, lunch, dinner) you do it again--your blood sugar should be <140mg/dl; then at bedtime you do it one more time aiming for a blood sugar of <120 mg/dl. I'm hoping to control my blood sugar with diet and exercise only but if my blood sugars can't stay under control then, the next step is to take some form of oral medicine, and the step after that would be insulin shots and the very last resort would be giving birth. Lucky for me they want 20 mins of walking 3 days a week and I do 30 mins of walking at least 3-5 times a week and I already follow a low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet which means all I have to do is keep eating my whole grains whenever applicable and stop eating sweets and because I'm only borderline it should be attainable. The only concern is if I can keep it up b/c as the pregnancy progresses, so does the sugar production and the insulin blocking courtecy of the plasenta so we'll have to see how it goes, if towards the end I have to stop eating bread and pasta all together I can definitely do it...I don't like it but I can do it.
So after my "class" I got to go to the hospital and pre-register! I was glad I had scheduled this for today because it lifted my spirits and distracted me from the whole diabetes thing. For those of you who have never done it, it's just a quick way of telling the hospital "I'm going to deliver here" they ask you if you have a pediatrician of preference or if you want to use the oncall pediatrician and register all your personal and insurance information as well as emergency contact information. It's a quick and painless process but it sure leaves you feeling one step closer to getting to hold your little one :).
I then proceeded to go buy some low carb cookbooks because I can always use new ideas. I ended up buying Healthy Calendar Diabetic Cooking by the American Diabetes Association's Lara Rondinelli, RD, LDN, CDE and Chef Jennifer Bucko and The Balanced Plate by Renee Loux...which the last one isn't for diabetics, it's more of a wholistic living book with really good healthy (and some even exotic) recipes. The book from the ADA is really cool because it gives you 5 night's worth of recipe's per week with seasonal ingredients, the only thing PPCM patients have to think about is sodium and fat content, but to my delight most recipes work as written (which is very rare from my experience!!) and they even include 1 desert option per month for those special occassions! So I definitely can't wait to try out some new recipes!
Afterwards, we went grocery shopping and came home to eat lunch. And my nerves betrayed me yet again, I felt myself tense up as I was preparing my food making sure to measure everything and even felt a little thrill as I got to have a slice of whole wheat bread with my meal (yes I got to keep bread :D in moderation of course). We ate lunch and then it was time to wait the hour to see what my blood sugar would do. Unfortunately my beloved hubs had to leave to work so he didn't wait with me which just added to my stress. After the hour I tested...and got an error message, I hadn't bled enough! So I retested and finally got a number! I kept thinking to myself the entire hour "it's going to be high but it's normal" over and over so I peeked at the number and it was....
....
....
....
a 99!?!? Totally normal, I'm not gonna lie I was a little confused, and strangely somewhat disapointed, why would it give me a number well below the number they had given me? Was this why I had been stressing myself out about for the past 2.5 days for?!?!? GRRRRRRRR!!! I found myself incredibly frustrated. Both my gut and my mom told me that I didn't really need to stress, that my sugar levels would be fine if I just took out some of the starchier foods (like potatos and corn) and get rid of sweets all together and yet I had still stressed myself out (as if I wasn't under enough stress!!). Once again I found myself frustrated and somewhat angry with myself but this time instead of beating myself up about it I've decided to just do what my initial reaction had been. I need to stop questioning myself when it comes to my diet and exercise routine because I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing!!! I just need to believe in myself more.
So lesson to be learned from this leg in the journey?
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!! It will eliminate so much stress in your life! If you are doing what you're supposed to be doing there is not much else you can do, so just chill and let things work themselves out. And don't be afraid of letting emotions show, I've been bottling up so much anger, frustration, fright in the past few weeks that it's finally all started to come out and because I'm crazy hormonal it comes out in one of two ways, I either cry for whatever reason (what we're out of apples? *cry like a baby*) or I lash out at my poor husband for the stupidest things (ME:why did you unplug my phone and started charging yours??? >:( HIM: Because I have to go to work and I don't want it to die??? :S ME: Oh! Of course how dumb of me...sorry! *blush* HIM: *confused and wary look*)and either way you won't be a joy to be around!
Given that we're now officially starting the last trimester *cheers all around!!* I'll be updating more often because I've been horrible about doing it! So until next time!
M
When we were done talking our very short talk about diet, she showed me how to use the monitor and I was on my way with handouts and a new blood sugar monitor. Basically the way it works is when you wake up you take your blood sugar--this measurement you want to be <90 mg/dl; then one hour after every big meal (breakfast, lunch, dinner) you do it again--your blood sugar should be <140mg/dl; then at bedtime you do it one more time aiming for a blood sugar of <120 mg/dl. I'm hoping to control my blood sugar with diet and exercise only but if my blood sugars can't stay under control then, the next step is to take some form of oral medicine, and the step after that would be insulin shots and the very last resort would be giving birth. Lucky for me they want 20 mins of walking 3 days a week and I do 30 mins of walking at least 3-5 times a week and I already follow a low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet which means all I have to do is keep eating my whole grains whenever applicable and stop eating sweets and because I'm only borderline it should be attainable. The only concern is if I can keep it up b/c as the pregnancy progresses, so does the sugar production and the insulin blocking courtecy of the plasenta so we'll have to see how it goes, if towards the end I have to stop eating bread and pasta all together I can definitely do it...I don't like it but I can do it.
So after my "class" I got to go to the hospital and pre-register! I was glad I had scheduled this for today because it lifted my spirits and distracted me from the whole diabetes thing. For those of you who have never done it, it's just a quick way of telling the hospital "I'm going to deliver here" they ask you if you have a pediatrician of preference or if you want to use the oncall pediatrician and register all your personal and insurance information as well as emergency contact information. It's a quick and painless process but it sure leaves you feeling one step closer to getting to hold your little one :).
I then proceeded to go buy some low carb cookbooks because I can always use new ideas. I ended up buying Healthy Calendar Diabetic Cooking by the American Diabetes Association's Lara Rondinelli, RD, LDN, CDE and Chef Jennifer Bucko and The Balanced Plate by Renee Loux...which the last one isn't for diabetics, it's more of a wholistic living book with really good healthy (and some even exotic) recipes. The book from the ADA is really cool because it gives you 5 night's worth of recipe's per week with seasonal ingredients, the only thing PPCM patients have to think about is sodium and fat content, but to my delight most recipes work as written (which is very rare from my experience!!) and they even include 1 desert option per month for those special occassions! So I definitely can't wait to try out some new recipes!
Afterwards, we went grocery shopping and came home to eat lunch. And my nerves betrayed me yet again, I felt myself tense up as I was preparing my food making sure to measure everything and even felt a little thrill as I got to have a slice of whole wheat bread with my meal (yes I got to keep bread :D in moderation of course). We ate lunch and then it was time to wait the hour to see what my blood sugar would do. Unfortunately my beloved hubs had to leave to work so he didn't wait with me which just added to my stress. After the hour I tested...and got an error message, I hadn't bled enough! So I retested and finally got a number! I kept thinking to myself the entire hour "it's going to be high but it's normal" over and over so I peeked at the number and it was....
....
....
....
a 99!?!? Totally normal, I'm not gonna lie I was a little confused, and strangely somewhat disapointed, why would it give me a number well below the number they had given me? Was this why I had been stressing myself out about for the past 2.5 days for?!?!? GRRRRRRRR!!! I found myself incredibly frustrated. Both my gut and my mom told me that I didn't really need to stress, that my sugar levels would be fine if I just took out some of the starchier foods (like potatos and corn) and get rid of sweets all together and yet I had still stressed myself out (as if I wasn't under enough stress!!). Once again I found myself frustrated and somewhat angry with myself but this time instead of beating myself up about it I've decided to just do what my initial reaction had been. I need to stop questioning myself when it comes to my diet and exercise routine because I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing!!! I just need to believe in myself more.
So lesson to be learned from this leg in the journey?
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!! It will eliminate so much stress in your life! If you are doing what you're supposed to be doing there is not much else you can do, so just chill and let things work themselves out. And don't be afraid of letting emotions show, I've been bottling up so much anger, frustration, fright in the past few weeks that it's finally all started to come out and because I'm crazy hormonal it comes out in one of two ways, I either cry for whatever reason (what we're out of apples? *cry like a baby*) or I lash out at my poor husband for the stupidest things (ME:why did you unplug my phone and started charging yours??? >:( HIM: Because I have to go to work and I don't want it to die??? :S ME: Oh! Of course how dumb of me...sorry! *blush* HIM: *confused and wary look*)and either way you won't be a joy to be around!
Given that we're now officially starting the last trimester *cheers all around!!* I'll be updating more often because I've been horrible about doing it! So until next time!
M
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Pregnancy Update---The Glucose Debacle
Well folks I'm 27 weeks pregnant now!! That means 9 more weeks and I get my baby!! My little guy is getting big and strong, thank God!! At 25 weeks I was distributed betamethazone shots (a steroid that helps the baby's lungs and vital organs develop faster) in case we have to deliver even earlier than we are aiming for. To be honest, they are not painful a little uncomfortable but certainly not painful and well worth the investment! So far my Bean has been measuring a ways ahead but my OB still felt that it would be a good precautionary measure and so I oblidged.
That same week I was handed lab paperwork to go get a 1hr glucose test (standard testing for most pregnancies) and me being me decided to go do it the day of my second betamethazone shot...word of advice DON'T DO IT!!!! This steroid tends to make your glucose go sky high. So of course, I failed and was subjected to the horror that is the 3 hr glucose test. Now this too wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that I have horrible veins every time I have to get blood drawn the person doing it has issues and will end up sticking me multiple times or worst...dig around for my vein...eeeek!! So the way the 3hr glucose test works is you fast for at least 10hrs, you go in and they do the baseline blood draw, then you drink that delish (NOT!) little orange drink, then you wait an hour, get your blood drawn again, wait another hour, get your blood drawn again, wait one more hour, get your blood drawn and then you finally get to eat. Needless to say the Bean was going nuts not only because I hadn't eaten but because of the crazy sugar drink they made me take.
So a week later, the day before my OB appointment the Dr's nurse called and told me I had failed *imagine my entire world freezing at that moment and dramatic music playing because that's how it felt* she told me that they'd have to schedule me to talk to me about measuring my blood sugar and about diet restrictions but that the good news was that I had only failed very marginally and that chances were I wouldn't need more drugs.
*imagine me having a complete meltdown*
I felt a giant sense of disapointment. Here I was working my butt off to be healthy, working out regularly, eating impecably well with no salt, little fat, little cholesterol and still I was diabetic! I was going to have to sacrifice more. I was angry because all I wanted was a semi-normal pregnancy I had made peace with the fact that I would have to watch my diet and exercise a long time ago and that I would have to undergo tests thru out my pregnancy to make sure my heart was working right but I never considered that I would have gestational diabetes because I was watching my diet and exercising!!! I MUST have done something wrong was all I could think about.
So the next day we go in to the Dr's office and we get to see our little active guy flipping around everywhere (even tho he's running out of room LOL) I got hooked up to the fetal heart rate/contractions monitor for the first time (it's aparently something my Dr likes to do every once in a while to make sure everything's ok) and the Bean was not cooperating one bit, he kept kicking the monitors out of place causing disturbances in the monitor's print out...we thought it was cute but the lady monitoring me thought it rather frustrating. Then we got to talk to the Dr. I asked her what I had done wrong, by how much I had failed, and told her how disturbed I was by the news. She told me that I did nothing wrong, that it actually meant I had a really healthy placenta. What happens with gestational diabetes is that the placenta creates this hormone that is great for the baby but can sometimes cause moms to not be able to process glucose very well. That it was important to get it under control because if my glucose levels continue to be high, that the baby can suffer a blood glucose drop when he's born because he will no longer have the placenta creating so much sugar but his body would have gotten used to producing a lot of insulin. And that my results were extremely marginal so techinically I'm "pre-diabetic" not diabetic and that I should be able to control it by reducing the carbs in my diet. And when she means marginal she means it!! The first two blood draws came back normal, the third came back 3 points higher than normal, and the fourth came back 2 points higher than normal.
Although I was still upset about the whole situation (because I'd rather be healthy!!) I felt much better knowing what it was and how mild my case was. So tomorrow I have to wake up early and go see her nurse so she can talk to me about specific diet restrictions (which I have been researching because I try to never go to a meeting unprepared) and about measuring my blood sugar levels every day. I have a lot of questions so I hope she has a lot of answers for me. Oh!! We're also going to register at the hospital we've chosen so I'm excited about that :).
I'll update tomorrow!
That same week I was handed lab paperwork to go get a 1hr glucose test (standard testing for most pregnancies) and me being me decided to go do it the day of my second betamethazone shot...word of advice DON'T DO IT!!!! This steroid tends to make your glucose go sky high. So of course, I failed and was subjected to the horror that is the 3 hr glucose test. Now this too wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that I have horrible veins every time I have to get blood drawn the person doing it has issues and will end up sticking me multiple times or worst...dig around for my vein...eeeek!! So the way the 3hr glucose test works is you fast for at least 10hrs, you go in and they do the baseline blood draw, then you drink that delish (NOT!) little orange drink, then you wait an hour, get your blood drawn again, wait another hour, get your blood drawn again, wait one more hour, get your blood drawn and then you finally get to eat. Needless to say the Bean was going nuts not only because I hadn't eaten but because of the crazy sugar drink they made me take.
So a week later, the day before my OB appointment the Dr's nurse called and told me I had failed *imagine my entire world freezing at that moment and dramatic music playing because that's how it felt* she told me that they'd have to schedule me to talk to me about measuring my blood sugar and about diet restrictions but that the good news was that I had only failed very marginally and that chances were I wouldn't need more drugs.
*imagine me having a complete meltdown*
I felt a giant sense of disapointment. Here I was working my butt off to be healthy, working out regularly, eating impecably well with no salt, little fat, little cholesterol and still I was diabetic! I was going to have to sacrifice more. I was angry because all I wanted was a semi-normal pregnancy I had made peace with the fact that I would have to watch my diet and exercise a long time ago and that I would have to undergo tests thru out my pregnancy to make sure my heart was working right but I never considered that I would have gestational diabetes because I was watching my diet and exercising!!! I MUST have done something wrong was all I could think about.
So the next day we go in to the Dr's office and we get to see our little active guy flipping around everywhere (even tho he's running out of room LOL) I got hooked up to the fetal heart rate/contractions monitor for the first time (it's aparently something my Dr likes to do every once in a while to make sure everything's ok) and the Bean was not cooperating one bit, he kept kicking the monitors out of place causing disturbances in the monitor's print out...we thought it was cute but the lady monitoring me thought it rather frustrating. Then we got to talk to the Dr. I asked her what I had done wrong, by how much I had failed, and told her how disturbed I was by the news. She told me that I did nothing wrong, that it actually meant I had a really healthy placenta. What happens with gestational diabetes is that the placenta creates this hormone that is great for the baby but can sometimes cause moms to not be able to process glucose very well. That it was important to get it under control because if my glucose levels continue to be high, that the baby can suffer a blood glucose drop when he's born because he will no longer have the placenta creating so much sugar but his body would have gotten used to producing a lot of insulin. And that my results were extremely marginal so techinically I'm "pre-diabetic" not diabetic and that I should be able to control it by reducing the carbs in my diet. And when she means marginal she means it!! The first two blood draws came back normal, the third came back 3 points higher than normal, and the fourth came back 2 points higher than normal.
Although I was still upset about the whole situation (because I'd rather be healthy!!) I felt much better knowing what it was and how mild my case was. So tomorrow I have to wake up early and go see her nurse so she can talk to me about specific diet restrictions (which I have been researching because I try to never go to a meeting unprepared) and about measuring my blood sugar levels every day. I have a lot of questions so I hope she has a lot of answers for me. Oh!! We're also going to register at the hospital we've chosen so I'm excited about that :).
I'll update tomorrow!
Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 3
It's amazing how people don't realize how important family support is in our everyday lives. For women who have gone thru PPCM I have found it's like 5 times more important. It's important for our family to understand our condition and know that yes during pregnancy we are vulnerable and sometimes even when we are not pregnant but WE know what WE can and cannot do. Since my heart failure issue my family has pretty much treated me like if the looked at me too hard I was going to break. Along with that came the questions "can you eat______?" or "is it ok for you to do ____?" and among the braver people "can you get pregnant again?" and "are you sure it's safe to get pregnant again? I mean you could always adopt or travel the world with your husband instead?" although PPCM women understand that these questions stem from general concern and love for the said woman the still sting, some questions deeper than others and yet people don't stop and think about it before hand.
When I last left you my family was suffocating me with concern and I was contemplating hiding my pregnancy for them so they wouldn't have to worry about me so much. One day I was doing my daily chores when I got a phone call from my mom. She mentioned that my aunt had told her that I had said that we wouldn't be going home for Christmas she asked why. I told her that we needed to save money and my husband needed to save vacation time if we were going to try and have another baby. Then she asked if maybe I was planning on hiding my pregnancy from them. I swear my mom is psychic but only with her kids LOL. I told her I had thought about it because I really didn't want to worry them and I knew that when I got pregnant they were going to treat me like I was completely unable to take care of myself. I told her about the conversation I had with my aunt and how she was planning on sending people to babysit me and how that bothered me to my very core. At this point my mom started laughing, it confused me to say the least. She then explained to me that she had nothing to do with that and that she knew me better than that and she had no plans on coming up to babysit me because she knew I wouldn't let her on base if she did LOL. She said that she's always going to worry about me because she's my mom not because I'm "broken" (as I put it) and that she was going to love this child as much as my first and she was going to be thrilled and she didn't want to miss any part of it.
This was the greatest gift my mom has given me since my birth. The relief I felt was unmeasurable!! And I was thrilled that this meant that I could share my pregnancy with my family and that my mom had my back...like always :). Since, my mom has not missed a beat! As soon as I got my pregnancy (lab) test back I told her that she was going to be a grandma again. She was thrilled and so was my dad. I call her after every appointment and both my parents have been fabulous supporters as has the rest of our family. Some family members are still nervous but they try not to show it. And after every milestone we all take a collective sigh.
Someone once said it takes a village to raise a child...I would go further and say that is takes a village to make a child too despite the science ;). When planning a post-PPCM baby I would encourage women to talk to their families and not be afraid to state what they need be it privacy, serenity, a cheer squad, or just plain ol' love and suppport. Without my family I would not be where I am today on my trip down Mommy Lane...
To be continued...
When I last left you my family was suffocating me with concern and I was contemplating hiding my pregnancy for them so they wouldn't have to worry about me so much. One day I was doing my daily chores when I got a phone call from my mom. She mentioned that my aunt had told her that I had said that we wouldn't be going home for Christmas she asked why. I told her that we needed to save money and my husband needed to save vacation time if we were going to try and have another baby. Then she asked if maybe I was planning on hiding my pregnancy from them. I swear my mom is psychic but only with her kids LOL. I told her I had thought about it because I really didn't want to worry them and I knew that when I got pregnant they were going to treat me like I was completely unable to take care of myself. I told her about the conversation I had with my aunt and how she was planning on sending people to babysit me and how that bothered me to my very core. At this point my mom started laughing, it confused me to say the least. She then explained to me that she had nothing to do with that and that she knew me better than that and she had no plans on coming up to babysit me because she knew I wouldn't let her on base if she did LOL. She said that she's always going to worry about me because she's my mom not because I'm "broken" (as I put it) and that she was going to love this child as much as my first and she was going to be thrilled and she didn't want to miss any part of it.
This was the greatest gift my mom has given me since my birth. The relief I felt was unmeasurable!! And I was thrilled that this meant that I could share my pregnancy with my family and that my mom had my back...like always :). Since, my mom has not missed a beat! As soon as I got my pregnancy (lab) test back I told her that she was going to be a grandma again. She was thrilled and so was my dad. I call her after every appointment and both my parents have been fabulous supporters as has the rest of our family. Some family members are still nervous but they try not to show it. And after every milestone we all take a collective sigh.
Someone once said it takes a village to raise a child...I would go further and say that is takes a village to make a child too despite the science ;). When planning a post-PPCM baby I would encourage women to talk to their families and not be afraid to state what they need be it privacy, serenity, a cheer squad, or just plain ol' love and suppport. Without my family I would not be where I am today on my trip down Mommy Lane...
To be continued...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 2
There are many different kinds of families, mine is the Mexican kind...the kind that feels ownership over everything you do and feels like they have a right to treat you like your 5 whether you are indeed 5 or if you are 25 (or 28 like me!). Don't get me wrong, I love my family...which is probably why I let them torture me LOL. But the hardest part of the whole "getting ready to start trying to get pregnant" process was fearing what would happen when I did get pregnant.
One thing you should know about my family is that it's a very matriarch driven family. There's my Grammy, that I love SO much but is one of the most stubborn, closed-minded people I know and she knows that she feels it's her right as a senior citizen LOL. My Grammy's been used to calling the shots for way too long to give it up just because she's old. There's my aunt (also my godmother) who never got married or had children so my siblings and I are like her children. She really is like another mom to me so she's always included in the decision making process not only because of her mom status but because she's one of the most educated people I know. Then there's my mom, who I owe my life to and I never forget that. What can I say I love my mom!! But she can get a little crazy with the over-protection sometimes...but she's my mom it's her job! Then there's my dad...poor Dad! He's always outnumbered by the women and totally hates it (most of the time) so he's kind of grumpy about it. Those are the most influential people in my life, their opinions mean the world to me and always affect me regardless if they make sense or not. When I got they freaked of course. My mom went to take care of me (which I will always be grateful to her for it!!) and everyone aged just a little bit from the experience. I was naturally concerned that they had not had enough time to heal from the last time for me to get pregnant again. But I didn't have much a choice. I was on a time crunch...30 was approaching fast. So there was a big question needed to answer....Would my family freak when I got pregnant?
I recall a conversation I had with my aunt where she suggested that when I decided to get pregnant again, she was going to send my grandma to take care of me when I was 3-5 months pregnant and when I got to about 7 months pregnant she'd send my mother up to take care of me. Now when we had this conversation I had just climbed a mountain...literally!! I had gone on a 4.5 mile hike up a mountain by my house and done fairly well! I had been feeling good about myself. Then she said that they were going to babysit me during almost my entire pregnancy. I was humiliated, insulted, hurt...I couldn't help but do something I'd never done with my aunt...argue. In my 28 years alive I had never argued with her but this was ridiculous to me. I told her that I was doing GREAT and that I wouldn't get pregnant without the full confidence of my cardiologist and in my self. That I wouldn't do it if I didn't think I could. And that if they couldn't handle being pregnant I just wouldn't tell them if that meant I could have a peaceful pregnancy without being treated like I am broken or defective that I felt enough of that and that I didn't need my family...the people that are supposed to encourage me, strengthen me, and support me treating me like damaged goods. That if I needed help I would ask for it!
I felt horrible for letting it all out but it was something she needed to hear or she would take control of a situation that she shouldn't be trying to control. Like every argument in our family, as soon as the argument ended it was forgotten...by them, not by me. This one argument haunted me for months!! It made me wonder if maybe not telling my family when I did get pregnant was the best option. Of course, the thought of not being able to share this with people that I love so much and that mean so much to me made me miserable, but if it meant I was going to have a more carefree pregnancy (which is what would be best for me and my baby) I had to contemplate it. Not to mention the argument had made my entire family paranoid that I wouldn't tell them about my pregnancy so every time I talked to them I would get very private things asked to me like "are you and your husband still using birth control?" yes...the perfect conversation to have with your GRANDMOTHER!!! Can we say *blush*? As the months passed and we started trying this concern was weighing heavily on me, heavier than I had anticipated. Now I was not concerned that my family would freak when I got pregnant I was too busy with them freaking before I got pregnant! And so all of this made my trip down Mommy Lane all that more trying...
To be continued...
One thing you should know about my family is that it's a very matriarch driven family. There's my Grammy, that I love SO much but is one of the most stubborn, closed-minded people I know and she knows that she feels it's her right as a senior citizen LOL. My Grammy's been used to calling the shots for way too long to give it up just because she's old. There's my aunt (also my godmother) who never got married or had children so my siblings and I are like her children. She really is like another mom to me so she's always included in the decision making process not only because of her mom status but because she's one of the most educated people I know. Then there's my mom, who I owe my life to and I never forget that. What can I say I love my mom!! But she can get a little crazy with the over-protection sometimes...but she's my mom it's her job! Then there's my dad...poor Dad! He's always outnumbered by the women and totally hates it (most of the time) so he's kind of grumpy about it. Those are the most influential people in my life, their opinions mean the world to me and always affect me regardless if they make sense or not. When I got they freaked of course. My mom went to take care of me (which I will always be grateful to her for it!!) and everyone aged just a little bit from the experience. I was naturally concerned that they had not had enough time to heal from the last time for me to get pregnant again. But I didn't have much a choice. I was on a time crunch...30 was approaching fast. So there was a big question needed to answer....Would my family freak when I got pregnant?
I recall a conversation I had with my aunt where she suggested that when I decided to get pregnant again, she was going to send my grandma to take care of me when I was 3-5 months pregnant and when I got to about 7 months pregnant she'd send my mother up to take care of me. Now when we had this conversation I had just climbed a mountain...literally!! I had gone on a 4.5 mile hike up a mountain by my house and done fairly well! I had been feeling good about myself. Then she said that they were going to babysit me during almost my entire pregnancy. I was humiliated, insulted, hurt...I couldn't help but do something I'd never done with my aunt...argue. In my 28 years alive I had never argued with her but this was ridiculous to me. I told her that I was doing GREAT and that I wouldn't get pregnant without the full confidence of my cardiologist and in my self. That I wouldn't do it if I didn't think I could. And that if they couldn't handle being pregnant I just wouldn't tell them if that meant I could have a peaceful pregnancy without being treated like I am broken or defective that I felt enough of that and that I didn't need my family...the people that are supposed to encourage me, strengthen me, and support me treating me like damaged goods. That if I needed help I would ask for it!
I felt horrible for letting it all out but it was something she needed to hear or she would take control of a situation that she shouldn't be trying to control. Like every argument in our family, as soon as the argument ended it was forgotten...by them, not by me. This one argument haunted me for months!! It made me wonder if maybe not telling my family when I did get pregnant was the best option. Of course, the thought of not being able to share this with people that I love so much and that mean so much to me made me miserable, but if it meant I was going to have a more carefree pregnancy (which is what would be best for me and my baby) I had to contemplate it. Not to mention the argument had made my entire family paranoid that I wouldn't tell them about my pregnancy so every time I talked to them I would get very private things asked to me like "are you and your husband still using birth control?" yes...the perfect conversation to have with your GRANDMOTHER!!! Can we say *blush*? As the months passed and we started trying this concern was weighing heavily on me, heavier than I had anticipated. Now I was not concerned that my family would freak when I got pregnant I was too busy with them freaking before I got pregnant! And so all of this made my trip down Mommy Lane all that more trying...
To be continued...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 1
After I recovered; got my diet down; exercise routine down; and my cardiologist, therapist, primary care manager (PCM), and perinatologist (high risk OB) all to give me a green light on trying to conceive once again, the IUD was removed and on August 2009 we were ready to go! Unfortunately things did could not happen fast enough for us. I had a very negative view of pregnancy b/c of my first (and so far only) experience. To me pregnancy was uncomfortable, dangerous, scary, and warped my body in ways that I never thought possible, so I just wanted it to be like a band-aid: to come, and go quickly, "just rip it off" type of thing. I used to cringe at the thought of being pregnant again...but I wanted a baby, what's more is I wanted a baby that was half my hubby and half me.
People often ask me why I would risk my life again. It's simple in my mind, I LOVE my husband, I think he's a wonderful human being and if I can make someone that is part of him, if future generations can have part of him then I've done a REALLY good thing. Corny, I know but it's true.
So we started trying and failing...at least failure was what I felt every time I got my period. What was worst was that my daughter's second angelversary was fast approaching and I couldn't help but feel like maybe I didn't deserve to be a mom, maybe being totally happy was an impossibility. As the months passed a dove deeper and deeper into a new depression and I felt like I was trying to swim with cement shoes on because I knew that depression was not going to speed up the process.
During these trying months I kept a journal since I didn't want to make my journey public just yet and now I'll share my journal entries with you all....
September 8, 2009
I got my period today. Even though it was one day late I wasn't disappointed. It's funny how sometimes you just know. I knew it wasn't my month. Still there's that little shade of what wants to be hope waiting on the sidelines waiting to make the change.
Once that shadow of the desire of hope is smudged out of existence comes the fear and pressure from the time crunch. I am now 28 and as my new OB put it "if we're going to do this, the faster [I] get pregnant, the safer it will be for all involved." According to the little bit of research that exists on the subject the risk for PPCM goes up with pregnancy after the age of 30. Not to mention that the chances of multiple pregnancies goes up shortly after the age of 30 as well which can also increase the chance of PPCM.
My rational side tells me that it's not likely that it will take us a year to get pregnant (much less 2). Sadly, hormones and rational thinking are not BFFs so I know that each month I have to deal with PMS I know I will have to deal with these irrational fears. So here's hoping that there are not many PMS weeks in my near future!
Thanks to the tons of therapy I knew myself well enough to know that if this didn't work quickly I was going to have to deal with all sorts of irrational fears. Unfortunately being aware of them doesn't make them less frightening. Beyond that I had to deal with external fears. My family was just as scared (if not more) scared than I was and it's really hard to keep a positive outlook on things when people you love are still questioning your decisions. My hubby seemed like he was the only one in my corner for a while and I was afraid of even telling our family we were trying (tho everyone had their suspicions). A pregnancy was going to be simply impossible to keep a secret despite the fact that we live in a different state than our family, but we are still too close. So I had to prepare my family for my (hopefully) fast approaching pregnancy and find a way to deal with those irrational fears of my own...and so my trip down Mommy Lane just kept getting more complicated by the month!
to be continued...
People often ask me why I would risk my life again. It's simple in my mind, I LOVE my husband, I think he's a wonderful human being and if I can make someone that is part of him, if future generations can have part of him then I've done a REALLY good thing. Corny, I know but it's true.
So we started trying and failing...at least failure was what I felt every time I got my period. What was worst was that my daughter's second angelversary was fast approaching and I couldn't help but feel like maybe I didn't deserve to be a mom, maybe being totally happy was an impossibility. As the months passed a dove deeper and deeper into a new depression and I felt like I was trying to swim with cement shoes on because I knew that depression was not going to speed up the process.
During these trying months I kept a journal since I didn't want to make my journey public just yet and now I'll share my journal entries with you all....
September 8, 2009
I got my period today. Even though it was one day late I wasn't disappointed. It's funny how sometimes you just know. I knew it wasn't my month. Still there's that little shade of what wants to be hope waiting on the sidelines waiting to make the change.
Once that shadow of the desire of hope is smudged out of existence comes the fear and pressure from the time crunch. I am now 28 and as my new OB put it "if we're going to do this, the faster [I] get pregnant, the safer it will be for all involved." According to the little bit of research that exists on the subject the risk for PPCM goes up with pregnancy after the age of 30. Not to mention that the chances of multiple pregnancies goes up shortly after the age of 30 as well which can also increase the chance of PPCM.
My rational side tells me that it's not likely that it will take us a year to get pregnant (much less 2). Sadly, hormones and rational thinking are not BFFs so I know that each month I have to deal with PMS I know I will have to deal with these irrational fears. So here's hoping that there are not many PMS weeks in my near future!
Thanks to the tons of therapy I knew myself well enough to know that if this didn't work quickly I was going to have to deal with all sorts of irrational fears. Unfortunately being aware of them doesn't make them less frightening. Beyond that I had to deal with external fears. My family was just as scared (if not more) scared than I was and it's really hard to keep a positive outlook on things when people you love are still questioning your decisions. My hubby seemed like he was the only one in my corner for a while and I was afraid of even telling our family we were trying (tho everyone had their suspicions). A pregnancy was going to be simply impossible to keep a secret despite the fact that we live in a different state than our family, but we are still too close. So I had to prepare my family for my (hopefully) fast approaching pregnancy and find a way to deal with those irrational fears of my own...and so my trip down Mommy Lane just kept getting more complicated by the month!
to be continued...
What does it take?--Part 8 (Final)
And so now you know everything I had to do to get all the doctors going in the right direction, what I've gone thru and how it affected. And now what? Well, now we try the whole 'we're having a baby!' thing again. Easy enough right? Funny, kids don't come right when you want them...so that was a journey all on its own! And so the beginning of a new journey on my trip down Mommy Lane begins...trying to get pregnant!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
What does it take?--Part 7
In mid July of 2009 I finally got to meet the perinatologist (high risk OB) and she reacted as most doctors usually react when they meet me. She asked me about my condition and how it's affected me personally. I told her how I was lucky enough to have recovered and unlucky enough to not have my daughter, and how we wanted to try again. She went on this long rant about how I was not treasuring my life enough and how I shouldn't gamble it away on another pregnancy. She kept talking to my husband about whether he was ready to raise a child on his own and since they would probably have to deliver early that it would probably end up being a special needs child. She didn't tell us anything we hadn't already read about or considered but having it thrown in our faces had me feeling distraught to say the least. We told her it wasn't a decision we had made lightly, we had considered the risks and consequences for nearly two years and that we felt that considering my particular statistics the chance of relapse was somewhere between 2-10%, that according to the cardiologists we had seen and consulted with (one being one of the leading cardiologists in the field) that my body should be able to take a full term pregnancy provided I continue doing exercise (as my body dictated); continue my low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet; and I am monitored very closely. She still seemed hesitant but told me that if our mind was set then we needed to get pregnant as soon as possible since I was so close to my 30th birthday, because once I hit 30 my chances of relapse go up as well as chances of other complications. We agreed with her, we told her that we were well aware of the time crunch and that was why we had gone to see her.
After I left I felt awful, I felt selfish and like maybe we had made the wrong decision. My husband held me while I cried and reassured me that everything will be fine. Then he asked me the one question that cemented our decision...what is the worst that could happen? My answer was simple as far as I was concerned:
Well, I know that I won't die, I can take this! Worst case scenario I end up relapsing, but since everyone is keeping a close eye on me I don't think I can get bad enough to where I would need a transplant. But our baby...I was not willing to consider the worst, worst case scenario...loosing him...b/c we were not going to settle for that again! But he could end up being born early...too early and that scares me. He could end up in the NICU and be special needs.
My hubs asked if we could handle a special needs kid, the answer again was plain to see...
Yes! We know a few little miracles that were born very early, and they all have grown to be very normal kids, yes they had rough starts, and their parents nearly lost their minds watching their little ones in the NICU but they all made it through and they all tell me that those tough times seem like such a long time ago and they are overshadowed by their kids' accomplishments and milestones.
We talked about that for a long time and he said "Ok, so we know we can deal with the worst case scenario, but what if we don't do it? You are completely recovered don't have to take any meds, and can lead a completely normal life, what if we don't do it?" I told him "Well, we'll always be wondering about the what ifs" he asked if we could deal with that, and we agreed that we could not, so with that our decision was made and we were not going back! We were going to start trying to conceive our second (and last) child.
And after two and a half of the longest years of my life, I had finally reached another milestone in my trip down Mommy Lane.
To be continued...
After I left I felt awful, I felt selfish and like maybe we had made the wrong decision. My husband held me while I cried and reassured me that everything will be fine. Then he asked me the one question that cemented our decision...what is the worst that could happen? My answer was simple as far as I was concerned:
Well, I know that I won't die, I can take this! Worst case scenario I end up relapsing, but since everyone is keeping a close eye on me I don't think I can get bad enough to where I would need a transplant. But our baby...I was not willing to consider the worst, worst case scenario...loosing him...b/c we were not going to settle for that again! But he could end up being born early...too early and that scares me. He could end up in the NICU and be special needs.
My hubs asked if we could handle a special needs kid, the answer again was plain to see...
Yes! We know a few little miracles that were born very early, and they all have grown to be very normal kids, yes they had rough starts, and their parents nearly lost their minds watching their little ones in the NICU but they all made it through and they all tell me that those tough times seem like such a long time ago and they are overshadowed by their kids' accomplishments and milestones.
We talked about that for a long time and he said "Ok, so we know we can deal with the worst case scenario, but what if we don't do it? You are completely recovered don't have to take any meds, and can lead a completely normal life, what if we don't do it?" I told him "Well, we'll always be wondering about the what ifs" he asked if we could deal with that, and we agreed that we could not, so with that our decision was made and we were not going back! We were going to start trying to conceive our second (and last) child.
And after two and a half of the longest years of my life, I had finally reached another milestone in my trip down Mommy Lane.
To be continued...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
What does it take?--Part 6
I've mentioned my therapist before but I don't think I've ever really talked about him. Since the day I woke up in the ICU medical professionals had been trying to diagnose me with post-partum depression, or just plain depression and have tried shoving pills down my throat or sending me to a support group. But in all honesty, when it comes to getting help it's only good when you are ready to accept it. When we moved it took a big toll on me and my husband and I dipped into an even bigger depression than I had before, my heart seemed to be under control and I now had to face the loss that we had suffered. I would have nightmares of waking up in the ICU and holding my lifeless child, I would be doing everyday things like shopping and have a flashback so real that I swore I was still living those early days and only dreaming of a less painful future. Of course those flashbacks would result in a horrible panic attack where I would have trouble breathing, I would start hyperventilating and would curl up in a ball and be unable to move from there. Eventually it all became too much to bare, what was worst is that I could see how much it would hurt my husband to see me go through these and not be able to fix me. So I went to my primary care manager (PCM) and asked for a referral to a therapist. I told him what I was going thru and told him I was ready to talk to someone about it.
A few days later, I met my therapist. I was overwhelmed by just how much stuff I had been holding in. It was an amazing experience to be able to talk to someone who had no stake in my situation, that wasn't affected by tears, someone who I could drop the mask for and I could just be as I felt at the time...broken. I realized that I had been too preoccupied with helping my family not hurt that I hadn't allowed myself to heal and the cut my soul had encountered had festered. That I had allowed the doctor that had neglected me to break me and that I was no longer the strong, independent woman I had always seen myself as. Slowly, we worked thru my pain and my fear and after each session I would recap it to my faithful husband who would always take some time off work to be there for me if I needed it and surprisingly it helped him too. And slowly we began to heal. That doesn't mean that it no longer hurts, I think it's always going to hurt. But it's manageable pain, I can now reserve time to cry if I need it and I know why I'm crying (which is so important). I can also allow myself to be happy without feeling guilty or out of place while doing it. All of this is thanks to my therapist. When I went to him to let him know that my cardio had given me the all-clear for having another baby he was beyond excited for me (no longer completely detached from my situation)and he was able to prepare me for what I could possibly feel as I tried to conceive, and when I got pregnant. And I still see him for "maintenance" lol.
The next step was to get a referral to a perinatologist (high risk OB) and that was an adventure in and of it's own. I felt like a hurdle jumper! I had to see my PCM (where all military referrals start!), then I had to go to a bigger military hospital to see an OB to get my annual exam and push the referral further, and after 3 months I finally got a referral....to a doctor that is no longer in the area lol, so I had to research local doctors then call my insurance to change the provider and I had finally set an appointment to meet up with the peri and see if she would take my case. And that was just another millions stepping stones on my trip down Mommy Lane...
to be continued...
A few days later, I met my therapist. I was overwhelmed by just how much stuff I had been holding in. It was an amazing experience to be able to talk to someone who had no stake in my situation, that wasn't affected by tears, someone who I could drop the mask for and I could just be as I felt at the time...broken. I realized that I had been too preoccupied with helping my family not hurt that I hadn't allowed myself to heal and the cut my soul had encountered had festered. That I had allowed the doctor that had neglected me to break me and that I was no longer the strong, independent woman I had always seen myself as. Slowly, we worked thru my pain and my fear and after each session I would recap it to my faithful husband who would always take some time off work to be there for me if I needed it and surprisingly it helped him too. And slowly we began to heal. That doesn't mean that it no longer hurts, I think it's always going to hurt. But it's manageable pain, I can now reserve time to cry if I need it and I know why I'm crying (which is so important). I can also allow myself to be happy without feeling guilty or out of place while doing it. All of this is thanks to my therapist. When I went to him to let him know that my cardio had given me the all-clear for having another baby he was beyond excited for me (no longer completely detached from my situation)and he was able to prepare me for what I could possibly feel as I tried to conceive, and when I got pregnant. And I still see him for "maintenance" lol.
The next step was to get a referral to a perinatologist (high risk OB) and that was an adventure in and of it's own. I felt like a hurdle jumper! I had to see my PCM (where all military referrals start!), then I had to go to a bigger military hospital to see an OB to get my annual exam and push the referral further, and after 3 months I finally got a referral....to a doctor that is no longer in the area lol, so I had to research local doctors then call my insurance to change the provider and I had finally set an appointment to meet up with the peri and see if she would take my case. And that was just another millions stepping stones on my trip down Mommy Lane...
to be continued...
Pregnancy Update! 18 Wks
OK so the last time I did a real-time update I told you all that I am pregnant. Well today I am officially half way down my journey! Since I have to have a planned c-section and since last time I was pregnant I went into congestive heart failure at 37wks my OB and I have decided that the best preventive route would be to deliver at 36wks, and today I am officially 18wks!! My last cardiology appointment (on the 2nd of this month) went great! I had my 2nd trimester echocardiogram and it showed that my ejection fraction (EF) was 66% well above the borderline "normal" of 55% and my heart was measuring all normal so I don't have to see him until July (just before delivery!) which is a REALLY good sign. My OB appointment went equally well I got the all-clear to go swimming instead of boring myself with walking everyday and we found out that the Bean is a BOY!!!
People ask me how I feel about having a boy after having lost our little girl. To be honest I feel relieved, the entire time I didn't know what he was I honestly thought I didn't care. However, now that I know he's a boy I find it a relief. I feel like had he been a girl I would have a higher chance of feeling more anxiety towards the end, that's not to guarantee I won't, not to mention I realized that I would have felt like I was holding my breath for the rest of her life, hoping and praying that she didn't get PPCM. Considering the research on PPCM is very limited and it's still not entirely clear wether PPCM is genetic or not I would have been scared.
So overall I'm doing really well!! I've gained about 2lbs so far and all within the second trimester (just like it's supposed to happen), I don't have any swelling, no shortness of breath--tho I have horrible allergies! And most importantly my little guy is doing great!
I'm on top of the world on my trip down Mommy Lane :)
People ask me how I feel about having a boy after having lost our little girl. To be honest I feel relieved, the entire time I didn't know what he was I honestly thought I didn't care. However, now that I know he's a boy I find it a relief. I feel like had he been a girl I would have a higher chance of feeling more anxiety towards the end, that's not to guarantee I won't, not to mention I realized that I would have felt like I was holding my breath for the rest of her life, hoping and praying that she didn't get PPCM. Considering the research on PPCM is very limited and it's still not entirely clear wether PPCM is genetic or not I would have been scared.
So overall I'm doing really well!! I've gained about 2lbs so far and all within the second trimester (just like it's supposed to happen), I don't have any swelling, no shortness of breath--tho I have horrible allergies! And most importantly my little guy is doing great!
I'm on top of the world on my trip down Mommy Lane :)
Friday, February 12, 2010
What does it take--Part 5
After 4 months we moved states. Talk about tough!! We had to acclimate to a new culture, new weather patterns, and new elevation. Not to mention I had to make sure I had all my ducks in a row (pick up copies of my medical records, set up new doctors, and make sure our move went smoothly administrative wise). It was a nice distraction and I was looking forward to the move, the truth is OKC had never really been the ideal place for this little TX girl and after loosing my daughter I hated everything about it. Everything but my cardiologist! I was really nervous about having to find a new cardiologist.
When we arrived in our new home in New Mexico we were surprised at the giant house we had gotten. We were surprised at how remote it was, and we were surprised that our cell phones didn't work! The scenery however was beautiful!!! I hadn't lived by mountains since I was very little in Mexico and I loved looking at something other than flat, barren land. The house was beautiful and it was the first time in our married life that we had gotten placed in a single family home vs an apartment. I had set this house up months in advance, before everything happened, so it was tough looking at it without picturing Michelle's stuff all over the place. The fact that we had very little furniture at the time didn't help the situation. Once we got settled and I didn't have anything else to occupy me I dipped into depression once again. To add to that I noticed I was feeling short of breath very quickly and didn't know why this was happening. I began having panic attacks, one was bad enough that I went to the ER they have here (a tiny room with ill-equiped staff) where the nurse on duty told me that I was merely having a panic attack and that I needed to calm down. Once I made them give me an EKG (b/c I was not leaving without proof that I was not having a heart attack!) I went home and the next morning I made an appointment to see a PCM (primary care manager). Since the PCM wasn't available for a week or so and I needed refills I went into the clinic and they were able to set me up with my refills and I asked what I had to do to get a referral for a cardiologist, the doctor on duty told me that he was the "cardiologist equivalent" and that he'd be happy to consult me, I told him thanks but no thanks and insisted on a referral. I should inform you that I am an Air Force wife, in an different branch post...in the middle of no where. Needless to say...tough times! But more on this later....when I met my new PCM I told him about the panic attacks I had been having, and about the shortness of breath (which by this time was beginning to get better). He told me I had experienced something called "elevation sickness" and that it was very common in this area...can we say BIG sigh of relief!?! And he agreed that I was indeed having panic attacks and I was in a deep depression which of course was understandable. He strongly suggested seeing a therapist and maybe taking anti-depressants. Well I was on enough pills so I took the first option.
A few weeks later I went to go see a therapist for the first time in my life. It's helped me a lot, 2 years later I still see him. I feel like it's good to have that kind of person in your life someone that will listen to your problems no matter how petty and will help you reflect on them. I highly recommend it! Slowly with a lot of work and some wonderful advice from my therapist I was able to dig myself out of the dark hole I was in and focus on having a fulfilling life, not one stuck in the past.
As for the cardiologist situation: after lots of advocating on my behalf I was referred to a bigger military hospital where I saw a military cardiologist...well saw is such a hard word to use. You see, my cardiologist had this useless secretary that would never be able to schedule me for an appointment (I called her "the Gatekeeper") in the 10 months or so he was my cardiologist I was able to see him 2 times after months of trying to see him. With the goals I had in mind this arrangement was not going to do, so I got a referral for a civilian cardiologist (which I got to pick!). This of course didn't come without a lot of work on my behalf and my PCM's.
Selecting my cardiologist was a little difficult I didn't want to have to change again, so I googled to my little (big) heart's content. I found a doctor that had studied at several prestigious hospitals (Mayo clinic included) I scheduled an appointment and printed out all the info I could find on PPCM for him to study if he wasn't familiar with it. When my appointment came I took all that research I had done and went to meet the new cardiologist. The first question out of my mouth was "how much do you know about PPCM?" he looked at me with a puzzled look and said "actually I know quite a bit, I studied at the Mayo clinic under a doctor that was studying it when it first became an actual diagnosis, I've treated a good handful of women with PPCM...is that what you have?" after sending a quick 'thank you!!!!' to God or whoever was looking out for me that day I told him my story. He immediately browsed my file then sent me for an echo and full spectrum of blood work. A couple of weeks later I saw him again and found out my EF (ejection fraction) had gone up again! Now it was at 73%! And since I had been on the meds for a year and a half I was now eligible to start weening off the meds. He also didn't think I was a nut job for wanting to have another shot at motherhood which made me very happy!
Weening off the meds was a long process, he wanted to be careful and ween me off slowly while increasing my cardio activity. He told me to start adding a little more sodium in my diet (up to 2300 mg a day) so we could test my body's limits. It was awesome to see that I was living like a normal human being for the first time in what seemed like FOREVER and feel great while doing it! At the end of my pill removal process I went on a 4 mile hike up a mountain with a group of friends, I had a bit of a panic attack when I found myself short of breath (once again forgetting elevation does that to a normal person--until my therapist mentioned it when I told him about it). Other than that I was happy that I was able to survive it. When I saw my cardiologist again, he did another echo that looked the same as the last time I had gotten it. I told him about my hiking and he was VERY impressed. He told me I could get off my meds, and I asked him "ok...can I get pg again?" he smiled and said "I don't see why not...you climbed a mountain! You can do this!" of course I started crying and he told me to control my emotions because I was going to have too many soon. He recommended that I continue seeing my therapist and that I see a high risk OB before I decide to get pregnant but that I had the "all clear" from him.
And so feeling on top of the world I went off to fight for the referrals I needed to get the "all clear" from all the other doctors to continue on my trip down mommy lane.
To be continued...
When we arrived in our new home in New Mexico we were surprised at the giant house we had gotten. We were surprised at how remote it was, and we were surprised that our cell phones didn't work! The scenery however was beautiful!!! I hadn't lived by mountains since I was very little in Mexico and I loved looking at something other than flat, barren land. The house was beautiful and it was the first time in our married life that we had gotten placed in a single family home vs an apartment. I had set this house up months in advance, before everything happened, so it was tough looking at it without picturing Michelle's stuff all over the place. The fact that we had very little furniture at the time didn't help the situation. Once we got settled and I didn't have anything else to occupy me I dipped into depression once again. To add to that I noticed I was feeling short of breath very quickly and didn't know why this was happening. I began having panic attacks, one was bad enough that I went to the ER they have here (a tiny room with ill-equiped staff) where the nurse on duty told me that I was merely having a panic attack and that I needed to calm down. Once I made them give me an EKG (b/c I was not leaving without proof that I was not having a heart attack!) I went home and the next morning I made an appointment to see a PCM (primary care manager). Since the PCM wasn't available for a week or so and I needed refills I went into the clinic and they were able to set me up with my refills and I asked what I had to do to get a referral for a cardiologist, the doctor on duty told me that he was the "cardiologist equivalent" and that he'd be happy to consult me, I told him thanks but no thanks and insisted on a referral. I should inform you that I am an Air Force wife, in an different branch post...in the middle of no where. Needless to say...tough times! But more on this later....when I met my new PCM I told him about the panic attacks I had been having, and about the shortness of breath (which by this time was beginning to get better). He told me I had experienced something called "elevation sickness" and that it was very common in this area...can we say BIG sigh of relief!?! And he agreed that I was indeed having panic attacks and I was in a deep depression which of course was understandable. He strongly suggested seeing a therapist and maybe taking anti-depressants. Well I was on enough pills so I took the first option.
A few weeks later I went to go see a therapist for the first time in my life. It's helped me a lot, 2 years later I still see him. I feel like it's good to have that kind of person in your life someone that will listen to your problems no matter how petty and will help you reflect on them. I highly recommend it! Slowly with a lot of work and some wonderful advice from my therapist I was able to dig myself out of the dark hole I was in and focus on having a fulfilling life, not one stuck in the past.
As for the cardiologist situation: after lots of advocating on my behalf I was referred to a bigger military hospital where I saw a military cardiologist...well saw is such a hard word to use. You see, my cardiologist had this useless secretary that would never be able to schedule me for an appointment (I called her "the Gatekeeper") in the 10 months or so he was my cardiologist I was able to see him 2 times after months of trying to see him. With the goals I had in mind this arrangement was not going to do, so I got a referral for a civilian cardiologist (which I got to pick!). This of course didn't come without a lot of work on my behalf and my PCM's.
Selecting my cardiologist was a little difficult I didn't want to have to change again, so I googled to my little (big) heart's content. I found a doctor that had studied at several prestigious hospitals (Mayo clinic included) I scheduled an appointment and printed out all the info I could find on PPCM for him to study if he wasn't familiar with it. When my appointment came I took all that research I had done and went to meet the new cardiologist. The first question out of my mouth was "how much do you know about PPCM?" he looked at me with a puzzled look and said "actually I know quite a bit, I studied at the Mayo clinic under a doctor that was studying it when it first became an actual diagnosis, I've treated a good handful of women with PPCM...is that what you have?" after sending a quick 'thank you!!!!' to God or whoever was looking out for me that day I told him my story. He immediately browsed my file then sent me for an echo and full spectrum of blood work. A couple of weeks later I saw him again and found out my EF (ejection fraction) had gone up again! Now it was at 73%! And since I had been on the meds for a year and a half I was now eligible to start weening off the meds. He also didn't think I was a nut job for wanting to have another shot at motherhood which made me very happy!
Weening off the meds was a long process, he wanted to be careful and ween me off slowly while increasing my cardio activity. He told me to start adding a little more sodium in my diet (up to 2300 mg a day) so we could test my body's limits. It was awesome to see that I was living like a normal human being for the first time in what seemed like FOREVER and feel great while doing it! At the end of my pill removal process I went on a 4 mile hike up a mountain with a group of friends, I had a bit of a panic attack when I found myself short of breath (once again forgetting elevation does that to a normal person--until my therapist mentioned it when I told him about it). Other than that I was happy that I was able to survive it. When I saw my cardiologist again, he did another echo that looked the same as the last time I had gotten it. I told him about my hiking and he was VERY impressed. He told me I could get off my meds, and I asked him "ok...can I get pg again?" he smiled and said "I don't see why not...you climbed a mountain! You can do this!" of course I started crying and he told me to control my emotions because I was going to have too many soon. He recommended that I continue seeing my therapist and that I see a high risk OB before I decide to get pregnant but that I had the "all clear" from him.
And so feeling on top of the world I went off to fight for the referrals I needed to get the "all clear" from all the other doctors to continue on my trip down mommy lane.
To be continued...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
What does it take -- Part 4
About 2 weeks after having left the hospital I had follow ups to schedule and go to. Let me tell you scheduling an OB appointment after having lost a child is painful. I remember I called my OB's office and telling the lady on the other side that the Dr had told me to call her for a post-partum follow up and she wanted to see my on ___ date. The lady asked me if I had given birth, and I said yes. She asked how I was enjoying my baby and I told her she had been stillborn. And she said "Oh! You're that Mrs. _____!" ....what do you say? Well I said "Yeah I guess" and of course began to cry. Yay hormones! So she went on to tell me that my Dr was going to see me during her lunch hour so I wouldn't have to wait. I told her I appreciated that. And got scheduled for my appt. You are actually going to hear very little of my follow-up OB appts because they are too painful to remember. I will tell you this...during my first OB appointment she took off the little tapes that they had put over my c-section incision and I asked when they were going to remove the stitches and she told me that they would dissolve by themselves that I was really more glued together than anything else. Talk about scary!!! When we went outside and I saw the ground covered in sheets of ice fear took over me. I would only shuffle along holding my belly because I honestly pictured my uterus flopping out onto the ice or something like that. Looking back that is one of the funniest experiences I've ever had LOL.
Luckily my first cardiologist was AWESOME!!! He's incredibly young but I think that's what makes him such a great doctor. He didn't want to accept a negative prognosis for me, he did his research and found that usually a combination of ace-inhibitors (A-I) and beta blockers (BB) combined with diuretics to get rid of the extra fluid, a fluid restricted diet and sodium restricted diet usually yielded satisfying results. He sat me down and he told me what most cardiologist would tell me--that I wasn't guaranteed a chance to get to be pregnant again. I was told that PPCM research is very scarce and that the truth was no one knew what caused it and that curing it was hit and miss, to consider myself lucky if I didn't require a heart transplant. Then he told me "let's fix your heart first, then we'll see how you can get pregnant again if you decide to do so" talk about HOPE!!! So we got to work! I started with a ridiculous list of meds and even had to get a pill sorter to keep up with everything. I stuck to my diet restrictions like glue, and would do exactly what he told me what to do.
Just before Christmas we got the call that our daughter's urn was ready, now we had to go pick her up. I couldn't let my hubs do that alone and so I went with him. I hadn't gotten a chance to really come to terms with anything and here I was in the car going to some funeral home I'd never seen to pick up what was left of our daughter. I could tell my hubs was not ok, but I didn't know what to do to fix it. So I just held his hand and told him how much I loved him and we went in the funeral home. He did all the talking and the lady there was very nice. She took out the urn and gave it to us to inspect. The second that urn hit my hands I lost it and so did my husband. I couldn't believe that was all that was left of our Michelle. After about 45 minutes of crying in the car, we finally pulled ourselves together and went home.
Christmas came and my dad and little siblings came to visit for a week. It was nice to have them there but painful to see the pain they had in their eyes. My baby sis (8yrs old at the time) was especially confused. So we all did our best to pretend nothing bad had happened and celebrate for the kids. We rented movies and would spend our days clumped up in our living room watching movies (minus the popcorn and goodies). New Years eve I was allowed to leave the apartment to go with my hubs and pick up my cousins from the airport. I was so happy to see them, they were just what I needed, people my age that would distract me...well ok, they are a little younger but still an excellent distraction! We got back to the apartment and chatted up with my parents for a couple of hours then went to bed. The next day my parents and siblings left. It was hard to say goodbye to my mom after having depended on her so greatly for an entire month. Beyond that she was taking my Michelle. We had decided that the best place for her to be was at my Grandma's house with my grandpa's ashes and my brother's ashes. So I had to say goodbye and I couldn't do it, just like when I had to say goodbye to my brother (died of cancer in 2002) I couldn't do it, so I didn't I just said I'll see you soon! I knew I'd be home to see her soon.
After a complete meltdown, I turned to my cousins (who were also crying) and said..."so where are we going?" they looked at me confused and asked if it was safe for me to go out and I said "I have to, I might go insane if I don't PLEASE let me out of here!!!" so after talking to my hubs we decided to go to the botanical gardens and to the zoo (my two favorite OKC places). I would have to stop often and take food in case I got hungry, and it was FREEZING but I needed to get out and the fresh air felt so good! After I told my cardiologist we had done that he was very impressed that I was able to hold up to such day trips. Soon all my family was gone and my hubs and I were left to pick up the pieces and march on.
A month after waking up in ICU everything finally hit me. I remember I was at the checkout line at the store and realized it had been exactly one month. I turned to my hubs and said "I almost died a month ago" he says that I got a panicked look on my face and began breathing quickly and he knew I was about to have a panic attack so payed quickly and got me to the car so I could freak out in peace. I honestly just remember telling him that but I don't remember how I got home...funny how the brain works that way.
Three months after my hospital stay I was completely recovered. With an ejection fraction (EF) of 65% (normal is anything above 50-55%) and was able to do cardio for up to 25 mins. Considering I started at 5 minutes a day it was rockin'!
To be continued...
Luckily my first cardiologist was AWESOME!!! He's incredibly young but I think that's what makes him such a great doctor. He didn't want to accept a negative prognosis for me, he did his research and found that usually a combination of ace-inhibitors (A-I) and beta blockers (BB) combined with diuretics to get rid of the extra fluid, a fluid restricted diet and sodium restricted diet usually yielded satisfying results. He sat me down and he told me what most cardiologist would tell me--that I wasn't guaranteed a chance to get to be pregnant again. I was told that PPCM research is very scarce and that the truth was no one knew what caused it and that curing it was hit and miss, to consider myself lucky if I didn't require a heart transplant. Then he told me "let's fix your heart first, then we'll see how you can get pregnant again if you decide to do so" talk about HOPE!!! So we got to work! I started with a ridiculous list of meds and even had to get a pill sorter to keep up with everything. I stuck to my diet restrictions like glue, and would do exactly what he told me what to do.
Just before Christmas we got the call that our daughter's urn was ready, now we had to go pick her up. I couldn't let my hubs do that alone and so I went with him. I hadn't gotten a chance to really come to terms with anything and here I was in the car going to some funeral home I'd never seen to pick up what was left of our daughter. I could tell my hubs was not ok, but I didn't know what to do to fix it. So I just held his hand and told him how much I loved him and we went in the funeral home. He did all the talking and the lady there was very nice. She took out the urn and gave it to us to inspect. The second that urn hit my hands I lost it and so did my husband. I couldn't believe that was all that was left of our Michelle. After about 45 minutes of crying in the car, we finally pulled ourselves together and went home.
Christmas came and my dad and little siblings came to visit for a week. It was nice to have them there but painful to see the pain they had in their eyes. My baby sis (8yrs old at the time) was especially confused. So we all did our best to pretend nothing bad had happened and celebrate for the kids. We rented movies and would spend our days clumped up in our living room watching movies (minus the popcorn and goodies). New Years eve I was allowed to leave the apartment to go with my hubs and pick up my cousins from the airport. I was so happy to see them, they were just what I needed, people my age that would distract me...well ok, they are a little younger but still an excellent distraction! We got back to the apartment and chatted up with my parents for a couple of hours then went to bed. The next day my parents and siblings left. It was hard to say goodbye to my mom after having depended on her so greatly for an entire month. Beyond that she was taking my Michelle. We had decided that the best place for her to be was at my Grandma's house with my grandpa's ashes and my brother's ashes. So I had to say goodbye and I couldn't do it, just like when I had to say goodbye to my brother (died of cancer in 2002) I couldn't do it, so I didn't I just said I'll see you soon! I knew I'd be home to see her soon.
After a complete meltdown, I turned to my cousins (who were also crying) and said..."so where are we going?" they looked at me confused and asked if it was safe for me to go out and I said "I have to, I might go insane if I don't PLEASE let me out of here!!!" so after talking to my hubs we decided to go to the botanical gardens and to the zoo (my two favorite OKC places). I would have to stop often and take food in case I got hungry, and it was FREEZING but I needed to get out and the fresh air felt so good! After I told my cardiologist we had done that he was very impressed that I was able to hold up to such day trips. Soon all my family was gone and my hubs and I were left to pick up the pieces and march on.
A month after waking up in ICU everything finally hit me. I remember I was at the checkout line at the store and realized it had been exactly one month. I turned to my hubs and said "I almost died a month ago" he says that I got a panicked look on my face and began breathing quickly and he knew I was about to have a panic attack so payed quickly and got me to the car so I could freak out in peace. I honestly just remember telling him that but I don't remember how I got home...funny how the brain works that way.
Three months after my hospital stay I was completely recovered. With an ejection fraction (EF) of 65% (normal is anything above 50-55%) and was able to do cardio for up to 25 mins. Considering I started at 5 minutes a day it was rockin'!
To be continued...
Sorry for the long pause!
Hi everyone! So sorry I haven't blogged in what seems like forever!! A lot has happened in the past few months and I'll be blogging a lot about pretty much everything! When I last left you I had just told you about my story and how I was going to try to have another baby. Well since then I have had many doctor's appointments in preparation for trying to conceive (which I will tell you all about) and had been trying to conceive for three of the longest months in my life! And now I'M PREGNANT!!! I am 13 weeks pregnant and have already seen my cardiologist 2 times, and will see the perinatologist for the 2nd time this week. So obviously we have a lot to catch up on and I will be posting everything within the next few days.
Thanks for hangin' in there!
M.
Thanks for hangin' in there!
M.
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