People often ask me why I would risk my life again. It's simple in my mind, I LOVE my husband, I think he's a wonderful human being and if I can make someone that is part of him, if future generations can have part of him then I've done a REALLY good thing. Corny, I know but it's true.
So we started trying and failing...at least failure was what I felt every time I got my period. What was worst was that my daughter's second angelversary was fast approaching and I couldn't help but feel like maybe I didn't deserve to be a mom, maybe being totally happy was an impossibility. As the months passed a dove deeper and deeper into a new depression and I felt like I was trying to swim with cement shoes on because I knew that depression was not going to speed up the process.
During these trying months I kept a journal since I didn't want to make my journey public just yet and now I'll share my journal entries with you all....
September 8, 2009
I got my period today. Even though it was one day late I wasn't disappointed. It's funny how sometimes you just know. I knew it wasn't my month. Still there's that little shade of what wants to be hope waiting on the sidelines waiting to make the change.
Once that shadow of the desire of hope is smudged out of existence comes the fear and pressure from the time crunch. I am now 28 and as my new OB put it "if we're going to do this, the faster [I] get pregnant, the safer it will be for all involved." According to the little bit of research that exists on the subject the risk for PPCM goes up with pregnancy after the age of 30. Not to mention that the chances of multiple pregnancies goes up shortly after the age of 30 as well which can also increase the chance of PPCM.
My rational side tells me that it's not likely that it will take us a year to get pregnant (much less 2). Sadly, hormones and rational thinking are not BFFs so I know that each month I have to deal with PMS I know I will have to deal with these irrational fears. So here's hoping that there are not many PMS weeks in my near future!
Thanks to the tons of therapy I knew myself well enough to know that if this didn't work quickly I was going to have to deal with all sorts of irrational fears. Unfortunately being aware of them doesn't make them less frightening. Beyond that I had to deal with external fears. My family was just as scared (if not more) scared than I was and it's really hard to keep a positive outlook on things when people you love are still questioning your decisions. My hubby seemed like he was the only one in my corner for a while and I was afraid of even telling our family we were trying (tho everyone had their suspicions). A pregnancy was going to be simply impossible to keep a secret despite the fact that we live in a different state than our family, but we are still too close. So I had to prepare my family for my (hopefully) fast approaching pregnancy and find a way to deal with those irrational fears of my own...and so my trip down Mommy Lane just kept getting more complicated by the month!
to be continued...
