What does it take?--Part 7

In mid July of 2009 I finally got to meet the perinatologist (high risk OB) and she reacted as most doctors usually react when they meet me. She asked me about my condition and how it's affected me personally. I told her how I was lucky enough to have recovered and unlucky enough to not have my daughter, and how we wanted to try again. She went on this long rant about how I was not treasuring my life enough and how I shouldn't gamble it away on another pregnancy. She kept talking to my husband about whether he was ready to raise a child on his own and since they would probably have to deliver early that it would probably end up being a special needs child. She didn't tell us anything we hadn't already read about or considered but having it thrown in our faces had me feeling distraught to say the least. We told her it wasn't a decision we had made lightly, we had considered the risks and consequences for nearly two years and that we felt that considering my particular statistics the chance of relapse was somewhere between 2-10%, that according to the cardiologists we had seen and consulted with (one being one of the leading cardiologists in the field) that my body should be able to take a full term pregnancy provided I continue doing exercise (as my body dictated); continue my low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet; and I am monitored very closely. She still seemed hesitant but told me that if our mind was set then we needed to get pregnant as soon as possible since I was so close to my 30th birthday, because once I hit 30 my chances of relapse go up as well as chances of other complications. We agreed with her, we told her that we were well aware of the time crunch and that was why we had gone to see her.
After I left I felt awful, I felt selfish and like maybe we had made the wrong decision. My husband held me while I cried and reassured me that everything will be fine. Then he asked me the one question that cemented our decision...what is the worst that could happen? My answer was simple as far as I was concerned:
Well, I know that I won't die, I can take this! Worst case scenario I end up relapsing, but since everyone is keeping a close eye on me I don't think I can get bad enough to where I would need a transplant. But our baby...I was not willing to consider the worst, worst case scenario...loosing him...b/c we were not going to settle for that again! But he could end up being born early...too early and that scares me. He could end up in the NICU and be special needs.
My hubs asked if we could handle a special needs kid, the answer again was plain to see...
Yes! We know a few little miracles that were born very early, and they all have grown to be very normal kids, yes they had rough starts, and their parents nearly lost their minds watching their little ones in the NICU but they all made it through and they all tell me that those tough times seem like such a long time ago and they are overshadowed by their kids' accomplishments and milestones.
We talked about that for a long time and he said "Ok, so we know we can deal with the worst case scenario, but what if we don't do it? You are completely recovered don't have to take any meds, and can lead a completely normal life, what if we don't do it?" I told him "Well, we'll always be wondering about the what ifs" he asked if we could deal with that, and we agreed that we could not, so with that our decision was made and we were not going back! We were going to start trying to conceive our second (and last) child.
And after two and a half of the longest years of my life, I had finally reached another milestone in my trip down Mommy Lane.

To be continued...

What does it take?--Part 6

I've mentioned my therapist before but I don't think I've ever really talked about him. Since the day I woke up in the ICU medical professionals had been trying to diagnose me with post-partum depression, or just plain depression and have tried shoving pills down my throat or sending me to a support group. But in all honesty, when it comes to getting help it's only good when you are ready to accept it. When we moved it took a big toll on me and my husband and I dipped into an even bigger depression than I had before, my heart seemed to be under control and I now had to face the loss that we had suffered. I would have nightmares of waking up in the ICU and holding my lifeless child, I would be doing everyday things like shopping and have a flashback so real that I swore I was still living those early days and only dreaming of a less painful future. Of course those flashbacks would result in a horrible panic attack where I would have trouble breathing, I would start hyperventilating and would curl up in a ball and be unable to move from there. Eventually it all became too much to bare, what was worst is that I could see how much it would hurt my husband to see me go through these and not be able to fix me. So I went to my primary care manager (PCM) and asked for a referral to a therapist. I told him what I was going thru and told him I was ready to talk to someone about it.
A few days later, I met my therapist. I was overwhelmed by just how much stuff I had been holding in. It was an amazing experience to be able to talk to someone who had no stake in my situation, that wasn't affected by tears, someone who I could drop the mask for and I could just be as I felt at the time...broken. I realized that I had been too preoccupied with helping my family not hurt that I hadn't allowed myself to heal and the cut my soul had encountered had festered. That I had allowed the doctor that had neglected me to break me and that I was no longer the strong, independent woman I had always seen myself as. Slowly, we worked thru my pain and my fear and after each session I would recap it to my faithful husband who would always take some time off work to be there for me if I needed it and surprisingly it helped him too. And slowly we began to heal. That doesn't mean that it no longer hurts, I think it's always going to hurt. But it's manageable pain, I can now reserve time to cry if I need it and I know why I'm crying (which is so important). I can also allow myself to be happy without feeling guilty or out of place while doing it. All of this is thanks to my therapist. When I went to him to let him know that my cardio had given me the all-clear for having another baby he was beyond excited for me (no longer completely detached from my situation)and he was able to prepare me for what I could possibly feel as I tried to conceive, and when I got pregnant. And I still see him for "maintenance" lol.

The next step was to get a referral to a perinatologist (high risk OB) and that was an adventure in and of it's own. I felt like a hurdle jumper! I had to see my PCM (where all military referrals start!), then I had to go to a bigger military hospital to see an OB to get my annual exam and push the referral further, and after 3 months I finally got a referral....to a doctor that is no longer in the area lol, so I had to research local doctors then call my insurance to change the provider and I had finally set an appointment to meet up with the peri and see if she would take my case. And that was just another millions stepping stones on my trip down Mommy Lane...

to be continued...

Pregnancy Update! 18 Wks

OK so the last time I did a real-time update I told you all that I am pregnant. Well today I am officially half way down my journey! Since I have to have a planned c-section and since last time I was pregnant I went into congestive heart failure at 37wks my OB and I have decided that the best preventive route would be to deliver at 36wks, and today I am officially 18wks!! My last cardiology appointment (on the 2nd of this month) went great! I had my 2nd trimester echocardiogram and it showed that my ejection fraction (EF) was 66% well above the borderline "normal" of 55% and my heart was measuring all normal so I don't have to see him until July (just before delivery!) which is a REALLY good sign. My OB appointment went equally well I got the all-clear to go swimming instead of boring myself with walking everyday and we found out that the Bean is a BOY!!!
People ask me how I feel about having a boy after having lost our little girl. To be honest I feel relieved, the entire time I didn't know what he was I honestly thought I didn't care. However, now that I know he's a boy I find it a relief. I feel like had he been a girl I would have a higher chance of feeling more anxiety towards the end, that's not to guarantee I won't, not to mention I realized that I would have felt like I was holding my breath for the rest of her life, hoping and praying that she didn't get PPCM. Considering the research on PPCM is very limited and it's still not entirely clear wether PPCM is genetic or not I would have been scared.
So overall I'm doing really well!! I've gained about 2lbs so far and all within the second trimester (just like it's supposed to happen), I don't have any swelling, no shortness of breath--tho I have horrible allergies! And most importantly my little guy is doing great!
I'm on top of the world on my trip down Mommy Lane :)