What does it take -- Part 4

About 2 weeks after having left the hospital I had follow ups to schedule and go to. Let me tell you scheduling an OB appointment after having lost a child is painful. I remember I called my OB's office and telling the lady on the other side that the Dr had told me to call her for a post-partum follow up and she wanted to see my on ___ date. The lady asked me if I had given birth, and I said yes. She asked how I was enjoying my baby and I told her she had been stillborn. And she said "Oh! You're that Mrs. _____!" ....what do you say? Well I said "Yeah I guess" and of course began to cry. Yay hormones! So she went on to tell me that my Dr was going to see me during her lunch hour so I wouldn't have to wait. I told her I appreciated that. And got scheduled for my appt. You are actually going to hear very little of my follow-up OB appts because they are too painful to remember. I will tell you this...during my first OB appointment she took off the little tapes that they had put over my c-section incision and I asked when they were going to remove the stitches and she told me that they would dissolve by themselves that I was really more glued together than anything else. Talk about scary!!! When we went outside and I saw the ground covered in sheets of ice fear took over me. I would only shuffle along holding my belly because I honestly pictured my uterus flopping out onto the ice or something like that. Looking back that is one of the funniest experiences I've ever had LOL.

Luckily my first cardiologist was AWESOME!!! He's incredibly young but I think that's what makes him such a great doctor. He didn't want to accept a negative prognosis for me, he did his research and found that usually a combination of ace-inhibitors (A-I) and beta blockers (BB) combined with diuretics to get rid of the extra fluid, a fluid restricted diet and sodium restricted diet usually yielded satisfying results. He sat me down and he told me what most cardiologist would tell me--that I wasn't guaranteed a chance to get to be pregnant again. I was told that PPCM research is very scarce and that the truth was no one knew what caused it and that curing it was hit and miss, to consider myself lucky if I didn't require a heart transplant. Then he told me "let's fix your heart first, then we'll see how you can get pregnant again if you decide to do so" talk about HOPE!!! So we got to work! I started with a ridiculous list of meds and even had to get a pill sorter to keep up with everything. I stuck to my diet restrictions like glue, and would do exactly what he told me what to do.

Just before Christmas we got the call that our daughter's urn was ready, now we had to go pick her up. I couldn't let my hubs do that alone and so I went with him. I hadn't gotten a chance to really come to terms with anything and here I was in the car going to some funeral home I'd never seen to pick up what was left of our daughter. I could tell my hubs was not ok, but I didn't know what to do to fix it. So I just held his hand and told him how much I loved him and we went in the funeral home. He did all the talking and the lady there was very nice. She took out the urn and gave it to us to inspect. The second that urn hit my hands I lost it and so did my husband. I couldn't believe that was all that was left of our Michelle. After about 45 minutes of crying in the car, we finally pulled ourselves together and went home.

Christmas came and my dad and little siblings came to visit for a week. It was nice to have them there but painful to see the pain they had in their eyes. My baby sis (8yrs old at the time) was especially confused. So we all did our best to pretend nothing bad had happened and celebrate for the kids. We rented movies and would spend our days clumped up in our living room watching movies (minus the popcorn and goodies). New Years eve I was allowed to leave the apartment to go with my hubs and pick up my cousins from the airport. I was so happy to see them, they were just what I needed, people my age that would distract me...well ok, they are a little younger but still an excellent distraction! We got back to the apartment and chatted up with my parents for a couple of hours then went to bed. The next day my parents and siblings left. It was hard to say goodbye to my mom after having depended on her so greatly for an entire month. Beyond that she was taking my Michelle. We had decided that the best place for her to be was at my Grandma's house with my grandpa's ashes and my brother's ashes. So I had to say goodbye and I couldn't do it, just like when I had to say goodbye to my brother (died of cancer in 2002) I couldn't do it, so I didn't I just said I'll see you soon! I knew I'd be home to see her soon.

After a complete meltdown, I turned to my cousins (who were also crying) and said..."so where are we going?" they looked at me confused and asked if it was safe for me to go out and I said "I have to, I might go insane if I don't PLEASE let me out of here!!!" so after talking to my hubs we decided to go to the botanical gardens and to the zoo (my two favorite OKC places). I would have to stop often and take food in case I got hungry, and it was FREEZING but I needed to get out and the fresh air felt so good! After I told my cardiologist we had done that he was very impressed that I was able to hold up to such day trips. Soon all my family was gone and my hubs and I were left to pick up the pieces and march on.

A month after waking up in ICU everything finally hit me. I remember I was at the checkout line at the store and realized it had been exactly one month. I turned to my hubs and said "I almost died a month ago" he says that I got a panicked look on my face and began breathing quickly and he knew I was about to have a panic attack so payed quickly and got me to the car so I could freak out in peace. I honestly just remember telling him that but I don't remember how I got home...funny how the brain works that way.

Three months after my hospital stay I was completely recovered. With an ejection fraction (EF) of 65% (normal is anything above 50-55%) and was able to do cardio for up to 25 mins. Considering I started at 5 minutes a day it was rockin'!

To be continued...