So as promised here I am updating about the very important diabetes and pregnancy class I had today...yeah now keep in mind that I am the type of person that does extensive research on whatever issue I have before I go meet with a health care professional just so I know what we're talking about and what questions to ask. I always tell people "you know A-type personalities? I'm A++ type so whatever instructions you give me make sure it's really what you want me to do because I WILL go overboard" so having said that...the class didn't really help me much. She basically gave me some handouts of the "diet" they recommend (I'll post a PDF of them a little later on so you can see the incredible detail they go into) and it turns out I eat better than that except for the fact that I did allow myself treats like candy and ice cream on occassion....OK I'll admit it, I was addicted to Bryer's Natural Fruit pops!!! And now I'm having withdrawals...but I'll survive with really cold (I might stick them in the freezer even) strawberries. I did find out that I'm not eating enough and I'm letting too much time pass between meals. So I definitely have to get on that. I'm supposed to eat something (not necessarily a big something an apple, handful of grapes and two little cubes of cheese, etc) every 2.5 hours and eat 3 meals a day she said it was ok to have a small breakfast, and medium sized lunch and dinner so I can live with that. She also told me not to worry if my blood sugar was very high the first few times I took it because it was totally normal, the idea is that as I follow the new restrictions my blood sugar will level out and stay under control. The tought of seeing my blood sugar above normal scared me even if it was normal. It's ridiculous how easily stressed I get over my health...which we all know is NOT good for you! And yet, I can't help it. It's like I'm permanently spooked, I hate it!
When we were done talking our very short talk about diet, she showed me how to use the monitor and I was on my way with handouts and a new blood sugar monitor. Basically the way it works is when you wake up you take your blood sugar--this measurement you want to be <90 mg/dl; then one hour after every big meal (breakfast, lunch, dinner) you do it again--your blood sugar should be <140mg/dl; then at bedtime you do it one more time aiming for a blood sugar of <120 mg/dl. I'm hoping to control my blood sugar with diet and exercise only but if my blood sugars can't stay under control then, the next step is to take some form of oral medicine, and the step after that would be insulin shots and the very last resort would be giving birth. Lucky for me they want 20 mins of walking 3 days a week and I do 30 mins of walking at least 3-5 times a week and I already follow a low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet which means all I have to do is keep eating my whole grains whenever applicable and stop eating sweets and because I'm only borderline it should be attainable. The only concern is if I can keep it up b/c as the pregnancy progresses, so does the sugar production and the insulin blocking courtecy of the plasenta so we'll have to see how it goes, if towards the end I have to stop eating bread and pasta all together I can definitely do it...I don't like it but I can do it.
So after my "class" I got to go to the hospital and pre-register! I was glad I had scheduled this for today because it lifted my spirits and distracted me from the whole diabetes thing. For those of you who have never done it, it's just a quick way of telling the hospital "I'm going to deliver here" they ask you if you have a pediatrician of preference or if you want to use the oncall pediatrician and register all your personal and insurance information as well as emergency contact information. It's a quick and painless process but it sure leaves you feeling one step closer to getting to hold your little one :).
I then proceeded to go buy some low carb cookbooks because I can always use new ideas. I ended up buying Healthy Calendar Diabetic Cooking by the American Diabetes Association's Lara Rondinelli, RD, LDN, CDE and Chef Jennifer Bucko and The Balanced Plate by Renee Loux...which the last one isn't for diabetics, it's more of a wholistic living book with really good healthy (and some even exotic) recipes. The book from the ADA is really cool because it gives you 5 night's worth of recipe's per week with seasonal ingredients, the only thing PPCM patients have to think about is sodium and fat content, but to my delight most recipes work as written (which is very rare from my experience!!) and they even include 1 desert option per month for those special occassions! So I definitely can't wait to try out some new recipes!
Afterwards, we went grocery shopping and came home to eat lunch. And my nerves betrayed me yet again, I felt myself tense up as I was preparing my food making sure to measure everything and even felt a little thrill as I got to have a slice of whole wheat bread with my meal (yes I got to keep bread :D in moderation of course). We ate lunch and then it was time to wait the hour to see what my blood sugar would do. Unfortunately my beloved hubs had to leave to work so he didn't wait with me which just added to my stress. After the hour I tested...and got an error message, I hadn't bled enough! So I retested and finally got a number! I kept thinking to myself the entire hour "it's going to be high but it's normal" over and over so I peeked at the number and it was....
....
....
....
a 99!?!? Totally normal, I'm not gonna lie I was a little confused, and strangely somewhat disapointed, why would it give me a number well below the number they had given me? Was this why I had been stressing myself out about for the past 2.5 days for?!?!? GRRRRRRRR!!! I found myself incredibly frustrated. Both my gut and my mom told me that I didn't really need to stress, that my sugar levels would be fine if I just took out some of the starchier foods (like potatos and corn) and get rid of sweets all together and yet I had still stressed myself out (as if I wasn't under enough stress!!). Once again I found myself frustrated and somewhat angry with myself but this time instead of beating myself up about it I've decided to just do what my initial reaction had been. I need to stop questioning myself when it comes to my diet and exercise routine because I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing!!! I just need to believe in myself more.
So lesson to be learned from this leg in the journey?
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!! It will eliminate so much stress in your life! If you are doing what you're supposed to be doing there is not much else you can do, so just chill and let things work themselves out. And don't be afraid of letting emotions show, I've been bottling up so much anger, frustration, fright in the past few weeks that it's finally all started to come out and because I'm crazy hormonal it comes out in one of two ways, I either cry for whatever reason (what we're out of apples? *cry like a baby*) or I lash out at my poor husband for the stupidest things (ME:why did you unplug my phone and started charging yours??? >:( HIM: Because I have to go to work and I don't want it to die??? :S ME: Oh! Of course how dumb of me...sorry! *blush* HIM: *confused and wary look*)and either way you won't be a joy to be around!
Given that we're now officially starting the last trimester *cheers all around!!* I'll be updating more often because I've been horrible about doing it! So until next time!
M
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Pregnancy Update---The Glucose Debacle
Well folks I'm 27 weeks pregnant now!! That means 9 more weeks and I get my baby!! My little guy is getting big and strong, thank God!! At 25 weeks I was distributed betamethazone shots (a steroid that helps the baby's lungs and vital organs develop faster) in case we have to deliver even earlier than we are aiming for. To be honest, they are not painful a little uncomfortable but certainly not painful and well worth the investment! So far my Bean has been measuring a ways ahead but my OB still felt that it would be a good precautionary measure and so I oblidged.
That same week I was handed lab paperwork to go get a 1hr glucose test (standard testing for most pregnancies) and me being me decided to go do it the day of my second betamethazone shot...word of advice DON'T DO IT!!!! This steroid tends to make your glucose go sky high. So of course, I failed and was subjected to the horror that is the 3 hr glucose test. Now this too wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that I have horrible veins every time I have to get blood drawn the person doing it has issues and will end up sticking me multiple times or worst...dig around for my vein...eeeek!! So the way the 3hr glucose test works is you fast for at least 10hrs, you go in and they do the baseline blood draw, then you drink that delish (NOT!) little orange drink, then you wait an hour, get your blood drawn again, wait another hour, get your blood drawn again, wait one more hour, get your blood drawn and then you finally get to eat. Needless to say the Bean was going nuts not only because I hadn't eaten but because of the crazy sugar drink they made me take.
So a week later, the day before my OB appointment the Dr's nurse called and told me I had failed *imagine my entire world freezing at that moment and dramatic music playing because that's how it felt* she told me that they'd have to schedule me to talk to me about measuring my blood sugar and about diet restrictions but that the good news was that I had only failed very marginally and that chances were I wouldn't need more drugs.
*imagine me having a complete meltdown*
I felt a giant sense of disapointment. Here I was working my butt off to be healthy, working out regularly, eating impecably well with no salt, little fat, little cholesterol and still I was diabetic! I was going to have to sacrifice more. I was angry because all I wanted was a semi-normal pregnancy I had made peace with the fact that I would have to watch my diet and exercise a long time ago and that I would have to undergo tests thru out my pregnancy to make sure my heart was working right but I never considered that I would have gestational diabetes because I was watching my diet and exercising!!! I MUST have done something wrong was all I could think about.
So the next day we go in to the Dr's office and we get to see our little active guy flipping around everywhere (even tho he's running out of room LOL) I got hooked up to the fetal heart rate/contractions monitor for the first time (it's aparently something my Dr likes to do every once in a while to make sure everything's ok) and the Bean was not cooperating one bit, he kept kicking the monitors out of place causing disturbances in the monitor's print out...we thought it was cute but the lady monitoring me thought it rather frustrating. Then we got to talk to the Dr. I asked her what I had done wrong, by how much I had failed, and told her how disturbed I was by the news. She told me that I did nothing wrong, that it actually meant I had a really healthy placenta. What happens with gestational diabetes is that the placenta creates this hormone that is great for the baby but can sometimes cause moms to not be able to process glucose very well. That it was important to get it under control because if my glucose levels continue to be high, that the baby can suffer a blood glucose drop when he's born because he will no longer have the placenta creating so much sugar but his body would have gotten used to producing a lot of insulin. And that my results were extremely marginal so techinically I'm "pre-diabetic" not diabetic and that I should be able to control it by reducing the carbs in my diet. And when she means marginal she means it!! The first two blood draws came back normal, the third came back 3 points higher than normal, and the fourth came back 2 points higher than normal.
Although I was still upset about the whole situation (because I'd rather be healthy!!) I felt much better knowing what it was and how mild my case was. So tomorrow I have to wake up early and go see her nurse so she can talk to me about specific diet restrictions (which I have been researching because I try to never go to a meeting unprepared) and about measuring my blood sugar levels every day. I have a lot of questions so I hope she has a lot of answers for me. Oh!! We're also going to register at the hospital we've chosen so I'm excited about that :).
I'll update tomorrow!
That same week I was handed lab paperwork to go get a 1hr glucose test (standard testing for most pregnancies) and me being me decided to go do it the day of my second betamethazone shot...word of advice DON'T DO IT!!!! This steroid tends to make your glucose go sky high. So of course, I failed and was subjected to the horror that is the 3 hr glucose test. Now this too wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that I have horrible veins every time I have to get blood drawn the person doing it has issues and will end up sticking me multiple times or worst...dig around for my vein...eeeek!! So the way the 3hr glucose test works is you fast for at least 10hrs, you go in and they do the baseline blood draw, then you drink that delish (NOT!) little orange drink, then you wait an hour, get your blood drawn again, wait another hour, get your blood drawn again, wait one more hour, get your blood drawn and then you finally get to eat. Needless to say the Bean was going nuts not only because I hadn't eaten but because of the crazy sugar drink they made me take.
So a week later, the day before my OB appointment the Dr's nurse called and told me I had failed *imagine my entire world freezing at that moment and dramatic music playing because that's how it felt* she told me that they'd have to schedule me to talk to me about measuring my blood sugar and about diet restrictions but that the good news was that I had only failed very marginally and that chances were I wouldn't need more drugs.
*imagine me having a complete meltdown*
I felt a giant sense of disapointment. Here I was working my butt off to be healthy, working out regularly, eating impecably well with no salt, little fat, little cholesterol and still I was diabetic! I was going to have to sacrifice more. I was angry because all I wanted was a semi-normal pregnancy I had made peace with the fact that I would have to watch my diet and exercise a long time ago and that I would have to undergo tests thru out my pregnancy to make sure my heart was working right but I never considered that I would have gestational diabetes because I was watching my diet and exercising!!! I MUST have done something wrong was all I could think about.
So the next day we go in to the Dr's office and we get to see our little active guy flipping around everywhere (even tho he's running out of room LOL) I got hooked up to the fetal heart rate/contractions monitor for the first time (it's aparently something my Dr likes to do every once in a while to make sure everything's ok) and the Bean was not cooperating one bit, he kept kicking the monitors out of place causing disturbances in the monitor's print out...we thought it was cute but the lady monitoring me thought it rather frustrating. Then we got to talk to the Dr. I asked her what I had done wrong, by how much I had failed, and told her how disturbed I was by the news. She told me that I did nothing wrong, that it actually meant I had a really healthy placenta. What happens with gestational diabetes is that the placenta creates this hormone that is great for the baby but can sometimes cause moms to not be able to process glucose very well. That it was important to get it under control because if my glucose levels continue to be high, that the baby can suffer a blood glucose drop when he's born because he will no longer have the placenta creating so much sugar but his body would have gotten used to producing a lot of insulin. And that my results were extremely marginal so techinically I'm "pre-diabetic" not diabetic and that I should be able to control it by reducing the carbs in my diet. And when she means marginal she means it!! The first two blood draws came back normal, the third came back 3 points higher than normal, and the fourth came back 2 points higher than normal.
Although I was still upset about the whole situation (because I'd rather be healthy!!) I felt much better knowing what it was and how mild my case was. So tomorrow I have to wake up early and go see her nurse so she can talk to me about specific diet restrictions (which I have been researching because I try to never go to a meeting unprepared) and about measuring my blood sugar levels every day. I have a lot of questions so I hope she has a lot of answers for me. Oh!! We're also going to register at the hospital we've chosen so I'm excited about that :).
I'll update tomorrow!
Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 3
It's amazing how people don't realize how important family support is in our everyday lives. For women who have gone thru PPCM I have found it's like 5 times more important. It's important for our family to understand our condition and know that yes during pregnancy we are vulnerable and sometimes even when we are not pregnant but WE know what WE can and cannot do. Since my heart failure issue my family has pretty much treated me like if the looked at me too hard I was going to break. Along with that came the questions "can you eat______?" or "is it ok for you to do ____?" and among the braver people "can you get pregnant again?" and "are you sure it's safe to get pregnant again? I mean you could always adopt or travel the world with your husband instead?" although PPCM women understand that these questions stem from general concern and love for the said woman the still sting, some questions deeper than others and yet people don't stop and think about it before hand.
When I last left you my family was suffocating me with concern and I was contemplating hiding my pregnancy for them so they wouldn't have to worry about me so much. One day I was doing my daily chores when I got a phone call from my mom. She mentioned that my aunt had told her that I had said that we wouldn't be going home for Christmas she asked why. I told her that we needed to save money and my husband needed to save vacation time if we were going to try and have another baby. Then she asked if maybe I was planning on hiding my pregnancy from them. I swear my mom is psychic but only with her kids LOL. I told her I had thought about it because I really didn't want to worry them and I knew that when I got pregnant they were going to treat me like I was completely unable to take care of myself. I told her about the conversation I had with my aunt and how she was planning on sending people to babysit me and how that bothered me to my very core. At this point my mom started laughing, it confused me to say the least. She then explained to me that she had nothing to do with that and that she knew me better than that and she had no plans on coming up to babysit me because she knew I wouldn't let her on base if she did LOL. She said that she's always going to worry about me because she's my mom not because I'm "broken" (as I put it) and that she was going to love this child as much as my first and she was going to be thrilled and she didn't want to miss any part of it.
This was the greatest gift my mom has given me since my birth. The relief I felt was unmeasurable!! And I was thrilled that this meant that I could share my pregnancy with my family and that my mom had my back...like always :). Since, my mom has not missed a beat! As soon as I got my pregnancy (lab) test back I told her that she was going to be a grandma again. She was thrilled and so was my dad. I call her after every appointment and both my parents have been fabulous supporters as has the rest of our family. Some family members are still nervous but they try not to show it. And after every milestone we all take a collective sigh.
Someone once said it takes a village to raise a child...I would go further and say that is takes a village to make a child too despite the science ;). When planning a post-PPCM baby I would encourage women to talk to their families and not be afraid to state what they need be it privacy, serenity, a cheer squad, or just plain ol' love and suppport. Without my family I would not be where I am today on my trip down Mommy Lane...
To be continued...
When I last left you my family was suffocating me with concern and I was contemplating hiding my pregnancy for them so they wouldn't have to worry about me so much. One day I was doing my daily chores when I got a phone call from my mom. She mentioned that my aunt had told her that I had said that we wouldn't be going home for Christmas she asked why. I told her that we needed to save money and my husband needed to save vacation time if we were going to try and have another baby. Then she asked if maybe I was planning on hiding my pregnancy from them. I swear my mom is psychic but only with her kids LOL. I told her I had thought about it because I really didn't want to worry them and I knew that when I got pregnant they were going to treat me like I was completely unable to take care of myself. I told her about the conversation I had with my aunt and how she was planning on sending people to babysit me and how that bothered me to my very core. At this point my mom started laughing, it confused me to say the least. She then explained to me that she had nothing to do with that and that she knew me better than that and she had no plans on coming up to babysit me because she knew I wouldn't let her on base if she did LOL. She said that she's always going to worry about me because she's my mom not because I'm "broken" (as I put it) and that she was going to love this child as much as my first and she was going to be thrilled and she didn't want to miss any part of it.
This was the greatest gift my mom has given me since my birth. The relief I felt was unmeasurable!! And I was thrilled that this meant that I could share my pregnancy with my family and that my mom had my back...like always :). Since, my mom has not missed a beat! As soon as I got my pregnancy (lab) test back I told her that she was going to be a grandma again. She was thrilled and so was my dad. I call her after every appointment and both my parents have been fabulous supporters as has the rest of our family. Some family members are still nervous but they try not to show it. And after every milestone we all take a collective sigh.
Someone once said it takes a village to raise a child...I would go further and say that is takes a village to make a child too despite the science ;). When planning a post-PPCM baby I would encourage women to talk to their families and not be afraid to state what they need be it privacy, serenity, a cheer squad, or just plain ol' love and suppport. Without my family I would not be where I am today on my trip down Mommy Lane...
To be continued...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 2
There are many different kinds of families, mine is the Mexican kind...the kind that feels ownership over everything you do and feels like they have a right to treat you like your 5 whether you are indeed 5 or if you are 25 (or 28 like me!). Don't get me wrong, I love my family...which is probably why I let them torture me LOL. But the hardest part of the whole "getting ready to start trying to get pregnant" process was fearing what would happen when I did get pregnant.
One thing you should know about my family is that it's a very matriarch driven family. There's my Grammy, that I love SO much but is one of the most stubborn, closed-minded people I know and she knows that she feels it's her right as a senior citizen LOL. My Grammy's been used to calling the shots for way too long to give it up just because she's old. There's my aunt (also my godmother) who never got married or had children so my siblings and I are like her children. She really is like another mom to me so she's always included in the decision making process not only because of her mom status but because she's one of the most educated people I know. Then there's my mom, who I owe my life to and I never forget that. What can I say I love my mom!! But she can get a little crazy with the over-protection sometimes...but she's my mom it's her job! Then there's my dad...poor Dad! He's always outnumbered by the women and totally hates it (most of the time) so he's kind of grumpy about it. Those are the most influential people in my life, their opinions mean the world to me and always affect me regardless if they make sense or not. When I got they freaked of course. My mom went to take care of me (which I will always be grateful to her for it!!) and everyone aged just a little bit from the experience. I was naturally concerned that they had not had enough time to heal from the last time for me to get pregnant again. But I didn't have much a choice. I was on a time crunch...30 was approaching fast. So there was a big question needed to answer....Would my family freak when I got pregnant?
I recall a conversation I had with my aunt where she suggested that when I decided to get pregnant again, she was going to send my grandma to take care of me when I was 3-5 months pregnant and when I got to about 7 months pregnant she'd send my mother up to take care of me. Now when we had this conversation I had just climbed a mountain...literally!! I had gone on a 4.5 mile hike up a mountain by my house and done fairly well! I had been feeling good about myself. Then she said that they were going to babysit me during almost my entire pregnancy. I was humiliated, insulted, hurt...I couldn't help but do something I'd never done with my aunt...argue. In my 28 years alive I had never argued with her but this was ridiculous to me. I told her that I was doing GREAT and that I wouldn't get pregnant without the full confidence of my cardiologist and in my self. That I wouldn't do it if I didn't think I could. And that if they couldn't handle being pregnant I just wouldn't tell them if that meant I could have a peaceful pregnancy without being treated like I am broken or defective that I felt enough of that and that I didn't need my family...the people that are supposed to encourage me, strengthen me, and support me treating me like damaged goods. That if I needed help I would ask for it!
I felt horrible for letting it all out but it was something she needed to hear or she would take control of a situation that she shouldn't be trying to control. Like every argument in our family, as soon as the argument ended it was forgotten...by them, not by me. This one argument haunted me for months!! It made me wonder if maybe not telling my family when I did get pregnant was the best option. Of course, the thought of not being able to share this with people that I love so much and that mean so much to me made me miserable, but if it meant I was going to have a more carefree pregnancy (which is what would be best for me and my baby) I had to contemplate it. Not to mention the argument had made my entire family paranoid that I wouldn't tell them about my pregnancy so every time I talked to them I would get very private things asked to me like "are you and your husband still using birth control?" yes...the perfect conversation to have with your GRANDMOTHER!!! Can we say *blush*? As the months passed and we started trying this concern was weighing heavily on me, heavier than I had anticipated. Now I was not concerned that my family would freak when I got pregnant I was too busy with them freaking before I got pregnant! And so all of this made my trip down Mommy Lane all that more trying...
To be continued...
One thing you should know about my family is that it's a very matriarch driven family. There's my Grammy, that I love SO much but is one of the most stubborn, closed-minded people I know and she knows that she feels it's her right as a senior citizen LOL. My Grammy's been used to calling the shots for way too long to give it up just because she's old. There's my aunt (also my godmother) who never got married or had children so my siblings and I are like her children. She really is like another mom to me so she's always included in the decision making process not only because of her mom status but because she's one of the most educated people I know. Then there's my mom, who I owe my life to and I never forget that. What can I say I love my mom!! But she can get a little crazy with the over-protection sometimes...but she's my mom it's her job! Then there's my dad...poor Dad! He's always outnumbered by the women and totally hates it (most of the time) so he's kind of grumpy about it. Those are the most influential people in my life, their opinions mean the world to me and always affect me regardless if they make sense or not. When I got they freaked of course. My mom went to take care of me (which I will always be grateful to her for it!!) and everyone aged just a little bit from the experience. I was naturally concerned that they had not had enough time to heal from the last time for me to get pregnant again. But I didn't have much a choice. I was on a time crunch...30 was approaching fast. So there was a big question needed to answer....Would my family freak when I got pregnant?
I recall a conversation I had with my aunt where she suggested that when I decided to get pregnant again, she was going to send my grandma to take care of me when I was 3-5 months pregnant and when I got to about 7 months pregnant she'd send my mother up to take care of me. Now when we had this conversation I had just climbed a mountain...literally!! I had gone on a 4.5 mile hike up a mountain by my house and done fairly well! I had been feeling good about myself. Then she said that they were going to babysit me during almost my entire pregnancy. I was humiliated, insulted, hurt...I couldn't help but do something I'd never done with my aunt...argue. In my 28 years alive I had never argued with her but this was ridiculous to me. I told her that I was doing GREAT and that I wouldn't get pregnant without the full confidence of my cardiologist and in my self. That I wouldn't do it if I didn't think I could. And that if they couldn't handle being pregnant I just wouldn't tell them if that meant I could have a peaceful pregnancy without being treated like I am broken or defective that I felt enough of that and that I didn't need my family...the people that are supposed to encourage me, strengthen me, and support me treating me like damaged goods. That if I needed help I would ask for it!
I felt horrible for letting it all out but it was something she needed to hear or she would take control of a situation that she shouldn't be trying to control. Like every argument in our family, as soon as the argument ended it was forgotten...by them, not by me. This one argument haunted me for months!! It made me wonder if maybe not telling my family when I did get pregnant was the best option. Of course, the thought of not being able to share this with people that I love so much and that mean so much to me made me miserable, but if it meant I was going to have a more carefree pregnancy (which is what would be best for me and my baby) I had to contemplate it. Not to mention the argument had made my entire family paranoid that I wouldn't tell them about my pregnancy so every time I talked to them I would get very private things asked to me like "are you and your husband still using birth control?" yes...the perfect conversation to have with your GRANDMOTHER!!! Can we say *blush*? As the months passed and we started trying this concern was weighing heavily on me, heavier than I had anticipated. Now I was not concerned that my family would freak when I got pregnant I was too busy with them freaking before I got pregnant! And so all of this made my trip down Mommy Lane all that more trying...
To be continued...
Monday, March 22, 2010
Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 1
After I recovered; got my diet down; exercise routine down; and my cardiologist, therapist, primary care manager (PCM), and perinatologist (high risk OB) all to give me a green light on trying to conceive once again, the IUD was removed and on August 2009 we were ready to go! Unfortunately things did could not happen fast enough for us. I had a very negative view of pregnancy b/c of my first (and so far only) experience. To me pregnancy was uncomfortable, dangerous, scary, and warped my body in ways that I never thought possible, so I just wanted it to be like a band-aid: to come, and go quickly, "just rip it off" type of thing. I used to cringe at the thought of being pregnant again...but I wanted a baby, what's more is I wanted a baby that was half my hubby and half me.
People often ask me why I would risk my life again. It's simple in my mind, I LOVE my husband, I think he's a wonderful human being and if I can make someone that is part of him, if future generations can have part of him then I've done a REALLY good thing. Corny, I know but it's true.
So we started trying and failing...at least failure was what I felt every time I got my period. What was worst was that my daughter's second angelversary was fast approaching and I couldn't help but feel like maybe I didn't deserve to be a mom, maybe being totally happy was an impossibility. As the months passed a dove deeper and deeper into a new depression and I felt like I was trying to swim with cement shoes on because I knew that depression was not going to speed up the process.
During these trying months I kept a journal since I didn't want to make my journey public just yet and now I'll share my journal entries with you all....
September 8, 2009
I got my period today. Even though it was one day late I wasn't disappointed. It's funny how sometimes you just know. I knew it wasn't my month. Still there's that little shade of what wants to be hope waiting on the sidelines waiting to make the change.
Once that shadow of the desire of hope is smudged out of existence comes the fear and pressure from the time crunch. I am now 28 and as my new OB put it "if we're going to do this, the faster [I] get pregnant, the safer it will be for all involved." According to the little bit of research that exists on the subject the risk for PPCM goes up with pregnancy after the age of 30. Not to mention that the chances of multiple pregnancies goes up shortly after the age of 30 as well which can also increase the chance of PPCM.
My rational side tells me that it's not likely that it will take us a year to get pregnant (much less 2). Sadly, hormones and rational thinking are not BFFs so I know that each month I have to deal with PMS I know I will have to deal with these irrational fears. So here's hoping that there are not many PMS weeks in my near future!
Thanks to the tons of therapy I knew myself well enough to know that if this didn't work quickly I was going to have to deal with all sorts of irrational fears. Unfortunately being aware of them doesn't make them less frightening. Beyond that I had to deal with external fears. My family was just as scared (if not more) scared than I was and it's really hard to keep a positive outlook on things when people you love are still questioning your decisions. My hubby seemed like he was the only one in my corner for a while and I was afraid of even telling our family we were trying (tho everyone had their suspicions). A pregnancy was going to be simply impossible to keep a secret despite the fact that we live in a different state than our family, but we are still too close. So I had to prepare my family for my (hopefully) fast approaching pregnancy and find a way to deal with those irrational fears of my own...and so my trip down Mommy Lane just kept getting more complicated by the month!
to be continued...
People often ask me why I would risk my life again. It's simple in my mind, I LOVE my husband, I think he's a wonderful human being and if I can make someone that is part of him, if future generations can have part of him then I've done a REALLY good thing. Corny, I know but it's true.
So we started trying and failing...at least failure was what I felt every time I got my period. What was worst was that my daughter's second angelversary was fast approaching and I couldn't help but feel like maybe I didn't deserve to be a mom, maybe being totally happy was an impossibility. As the months passed a dove deeper and deeper into a new depression and I felt like I was trying to swim with cement shoes on because I knew that depression was not going to speed up the process.
During these trying months I kept a journal since I didn't want to make my journey public just yet and now I'll share my journal entries with you all....
September 8, 2009
I got my period today. Even though it was one day late I wasn't disappointed. It's funny how sometimes you just know. I knew it wasn't my month. Still there's that little shade of what wants to be hope waiting on the sidelines waiting to make the change.
Once that shadow of the desire of hope is smudged out of existence comes the fear and pressure from the time crunch. I am now 28 and as my new OB put it "if we're going to do this, the faster [I] get pregnant, the safer it will be for all involved." According to the little bit of research that exists on the subject the risk for PPCM goes up with pregnancy after the age of 30. Not to mention that the chances of multiple pregnancies goes up shortly after the age of 30 as well which can also increase the chance of PPCM.
My rational side tells me that it's not likely that it will take us a year to get pregnant (much less 2). Sadly, hormones and rational thinking are not BFFs so I know that each month I have to deal with PMS I know I will have to deal with these irrational fears. So here's hoping that there are not many PMS weeks in my near future!
Thanks to the tons of therapy I knew myself well enough to know that if this didn't work quickly I was going to have to deal with all sorts of irrational fears. Unfortunately being aware of them doesn't make them less frightening. Beyond that I had to deal with external fears. My family was just as scared (if not more) scared than I was and it's really hard to keep a positive outlook on things when people you love are still questioning your decisions. My hubby seemed like he was the only one in my corner for a while and I was afraid of even telling our family we were trying (tho everyone had their suspicions). A pregnancy was going to be simply impossible to keep a secret despite the fact that we live in a different state than our family, but we are still too close. So I had to prepare my family for my (hopefully) fast approaching pregnancy and find a way to deal with those irrational fears of my own...and so my trip down Mommy Lane just kept getting more complicated by the month!
to be continued...
What does it take?--Part 8 (Final)
And so now you know everything I had to do to get all the doctors going in the right direction, what I've gone thru and how it affected. And now what? Well, now we try the whole 'we're having a baby!' thing again. Easy enough right? Funny, kids don't come right when you want them...so that was a journey all on its own! And so the beginning of a new journey on my trip down Mommy Lane begins...trying to get pregnant!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
What does it take?--Part 7
In mid July of 2009 I finally got to meet the perinatologist (high risk OB) and she reacted as most doctors usually react when they meet me. She asked me about my condition and how it's affected me personally. I told her how I was lucky enough to have recovered and unlucky enough to not have my daughter, and how we wanted to try again. She went on this long rant about how I was not treasuring my life enough and how I shouldn't gamble it away on another pregnancy. She kept talking to my husband about whether he was ready to raise a child on his own and since they would probably have to deliver early that it would probably end up being a special needs child. She didn't tell us anything we hadn't already read about or considered but having it thrown in our faces had me feeling distraught to say the least. We told her it wasn't a decision we had made lightly, we had considered the risks and consequences for nearly two years and that we felt that considering my particular statistics the chance of relapse was somewhere between 2-10%, that according to the cardiologists we had seen and consulted with (one being one of the leading cardiologists in the field) that my body should be able to take a full term pregnancy provided I continue doing exercise (as my body dictated); continue my low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet; and I am monitored very closely. She still seemed hesitant but told me that if our mind was set then we needed to get pregnant as soon as possible since I was so close to my 30th birthday, because once I hit 30 my chances of relapse go up as well as chances of other complications. We agreed with her, we told her that we were well aware of the time crunch and that was why we had gone to see her.
After I left I felt awful, I felt selfish and like maybe we had made the wrong decision. My husband held me while I cried and reassured me that everything will be fine. Then he asked me the one question that cemented our decision...what is the worst that could happen? My answer was simple as far as I was concerned:
Well, I know that I won't die, I can take this! Worst case scenario I end up relapsing, but since everyone is keeping a close eye on me I don't think I can get bad enough to where I would need a transplant. But our baby...I was not willing to consider the worst, worst case scenario...loosing him...b/c we were not going to settle for that again! But he could end up being born early...too early and that scares me. He could end up in the NICU and be special needs.
My hubs asked if we could handle a special needs kid, the answer again was plain to see...
Yes! We know a few little miracles that were born very early, and they all have grown to be very normal kids, yes they had rough starts, and their parents nearly lost their minds watching their little ones in the NICU but they all made it through and they all tell me that those tough times seem like such a long time ago and they are overshadowed by their kids' accomplishments and milestones.
We talked about that for a long time and he said "Ok, so we know we can deal with the worst case scenario, but what if we don't do it? You are completely recovered don't have to take any meds, and can lead a completely normal life, what if we don't do it?" I told him "Well, we'll always be wondering about the what ifs" he asked if we could deal with that, and we agreed that we could not, so with that our decision was made and we were not going back! We were going to start trying to conceive our second (and last) child.
And after two and a half of the longest years of my life, I had finally reached another milestone in my trip down Mommy Lane.
To be continued...
After I left I felt awful, I felt selfish and like maybe we had made the wrong decision. My husband held me while I cried and reassured me that everything will be fine. Then he asked me the one question that cemented our decision...what is the worst that could happen? My answer was simple as far as I was concerned:
Well, I know that I won't die, I can take this! Worst case scenario I end up relapsing, but since everyone is keeping a close eye on me I don't think I can get bad enough to where I would need a transplant. But our baby...I was not willing to consider the worst, worst case scenario...loosing him...b/c we were not going to settle for that again! But he could end up being born early...too early and that scares me. He could end up in the NICU and be special needs.
My hubs asked if we could handle a special needs kid, the answer again was plain to see...
Yes! We know a few little miracles that were born very early, and they all have grown to be very normal kids, yes they had rough starts, and their parents nearly lost their minds watching their little ones in the NICU but they all made it through and they all tell me that those tough times seem like such a long time ago and they are overshadowed by their kids' accomplishments and milestones.
We talked about that for a long time and he said "Ok, so we know we can deal with the worst case scenario, but what if we don't do it? You are completely recovered don't have to take any meds, and can lead a completely normal life, what if we don't do it?" I told him "Well, we'll always be wondering about the what ifs" he asked if we could deal with that, and we agreed that we could not, so with that our decision was made and we were not going back! We were going to start trying to conceive our second (and last) child.
And after two and a half of the longest years of my life, I had finally reached another milestone in my trip down Mommy Lane.
To be continued...
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