Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 3

It's amazing how people don't realize how important family support is in our everyday lives. For women who have gone thru PPCM I have found it's like 5 times more important. It's important for our family to understand our condition and know that yes during pregnancy we are vulnerable and sometimes even when we are not pregnant but WE know what WE can and cannot do. Since my heart failure issue my family has pretty much treated me like if the looked at me too hard I was going to break. Along with that came the questions "can you eat______?" or "is it ok for you to do ____?" and among the braver people "can you get pregnant again?" and "are you sure it's safe to get pregnant again? I mean you could always adopt or travel the world with your husband instead?" although PPCM women understand that these questions stem from general concern and love for the said woman the still sting, some questions deeper than others and yet people don't stop and think about it before hand.
When I last left you my family was suffocating me with concern and I was contemplating hiding my pregnancy for them so they wouldn't have to worry about me so much. One day I was doing my daily chores when I got a phone call from my mom. She mentioned that my aunt had told her that I had said that we wouldn't be going home for Christmas she asked why. I told her that we needed to save money and my husband needed to save vacation time if we were going to try and have another baby. Then she asked if maybe I was planning on hiding my pregnancy from them. I swear my mom is psychic but only with her kids LOL. I told her I had thought about it because I really didn't want to worry them and I knew that when I got pregnant they were going to treat me like I was completely unable to take care of myself. I told her about the conversation I had with my aunt and how she was planning on sending people to babysit me and how that bothered me to my very core. At this point my mom started laughing, it confused me to say the least. She then explained to me that she had nothing to do with that and that she knew me better than that and she had no plans on coming up to babysit me because she knew I wouldn't let her on base if she did LOL. She said that she's always going to worry about me because she's my mom not because I'm "broken" (as I put it) and that she was going to love this child as much as my first and she was going to be thrilled and she didn't want to miss any part of it.
This was the greatest gift my mom has given me since my birth. The relief I felt was unmeasurable!! And I was thrilled that this meant that I could share my pregnancy with my family and that my mom had my back...like always :). Since, my mom has not missed a beat! As soon as I got my pregnancy (lab) test back I told her that she was going to be a grandma again. She was thrilled and so was my dad. I call her after every appointment and both my parents have been fabulous supporters as has the rest of our family. Some family members are still nervous but they try not to show it. And after every milestone we all take a collective sigh.

Someone once said it takes a village to raise a child...I would go further and say that is takes a village to make a child too despite the science ;). When planning a post-PPCM baby I would encourage women to talk to their families and not be afraid to state what they need be it privacy, serenity, a cheer squad, or just plain ol' love and suppport. Without my family I would not be where I am today on my trip down Mommy Lane...

To be continued...

Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 2

There are many different kinds of families, mine is the Mexican kind...the kind that feels ownership over everything you do and feels like they have a right to treat you like your 5 whether you are indeed 5 or if you are 25 (or 28 like me!). Don't get me wrong, I love my family...which is probably why I let them torture me LOL. But the hardest part of the whole "getting ready to start trying to get pregnant" process was fearing what would happen when I did get pregnant.

One thing you should know about my family is that it's a very matriarch driven family. There's my Grammy, that I love SO much but is one of the most stubborn, closed-minded people I know and she knows that she feels it's her right as a senior citizen LOL. My Grammy's been used to calling the shots for way too long to give it up just because she's old. There's my aunt (also my godmother) who never got married or had children so my siblings and I are like her children. She really is like another mom to me so she's always included in the decision making process not only because of her mom status but because she's one of the most educated people I know. Then there's my mom, who I owe my life to and I never forget that. What can I say I love my mom!! But she can get a little crazy with the over-protection sometimes...but she's my mom it's her job! Then there's my dad...poor Dad! He's always outnumbered by the women and totally hates it (most of the time) so he's kind of grumpy about it. Those are the most influential people in my life, their opinions mean the world to me and always affect me regardless if they make sense or not. When I got they freaked of course. My mom went to take care of me (which I will always be grateful to her for it!!) and everyone aged just a little bit from the experience. I was naturally concerned that they had not had enough time to heal from the last time for me to get pregnant again. But I didn't have much a choice. I was on a time crunch...30 was approaching fast. So there was a big question needed to answer....Would my family freak when I got pregnant?

I recall a conversation I had with my aunt where she suggested that when I decided to get pregnant again, she was going to send my grandma to take care of me when I was 3-5 months pregnant and when I got to about 7 months pregnant she'd send my mother up to take care of me. Now when we had this conversation I had just climbed a mountain...literally!! I had gone on a 4.5 mile hike up a mountain by my house and done fairly well! I had been feeling good about myself. Then she said that they were going to babysit me during almost my entire pregnancy. I was humiliated, insulted, hurt...I couldn't help but do something I'd never done with my aunt...argue. In my 28 years alive I had never argued with her but this was ridiculous to me. I told her that I was doing GREAT and that I wouldn't get pregnant without the full confidence of my cardiologist and in my self. That I wouldn't do it if I didn't think I could. And that if they couldn't handle being pregnant I just wouldn't tell them if that meant I could have a peaceful pregnancy without being treated like I am broken or defective that I felt enough of that and that I didn't need my family...the people that are supposed to encourage me, strengthen me, and support me treating me like damaged goods. That if I needed help I would ask for it!
I felt horrible for letting it all out but it was something she needed to hear or she would take control of a situation that she shouldn't be trying to control. Like every argument in our family, as soon as the argument ended it was forgotten...by them, not by me. This one argument haunted me for months!! It made me wonder if maybe not telling my family when I did get pregnant was the best option. Of course, the thought of not being able to share this with people that I love so much and that mean so much to me made me miserable, but if it meant I was going to have a more carefree pregnancy (which is what would be best for me and my baby) I had to contemplate it. Not to mention the argument had made my entire family paranoid that I wouldn't tell them about my pregnancy so every time I talked to them I would get very private things asked to me like "are you and your husband still using birth control?" yes...the perfect conversation to have with your GRANDMOTHER!!! Can we say *blush*? As the months passed and we started trying this concern was weighing heavily on me, heavier than I had anticipated. Now I was not concerned that my family would freak when I got pregnant I was too busy with them freaking before I got pregnant! And so all of this made my trip down Mommy Lane all that more trying...

To be continued...

Pregnancy after PPCM--Part 1

After I recovered; got my diet down; exercise routine down; and my cardiologist, therapist, primary care manager (PCM), and perinatologist (high risk OB) all to give me a green light on trying to conceive once again, the IUD was removed and on August 2009 we were ready to go! Unfortunately things did could not happen fast enough for us. I had a very negative view of pregnancy b/c of my first (and so far only) experience. To me pregnancy was uncomfortable, dangerous, scary, and warped my body in ways that I never thought possible, so I just wanted it to be like a band-aid: to come, and go quickly, "just rip it off" type of thing. I used to cringe at the thought of being pregnant again...but I wanted a baby, what's more is I wanted a baby that was half my hubby and half me.
People often ask me why I would risk my life again. It's simple in my mind, I LOVE my husband, I think he's a wonderful human being and if I can make someone that is part of him, if future generations can have part of him then I've done a REALLY good thing. Corny, I know but it's true.
So we started trying and failing...at least failure was what I felt every time I got my period. What was worst was that my daughter's second angelversary was fast approaching and I couldn't help but feel like maybe I didn't deserve to be a mom, maybe being totally happy was an impossibility. As the months passed a dove deeper and deeper into a new depression and I felt like I was trying to swim with cement shoes on because I knew that depression was not going to speed up the process.
During these trying months I kept a journal since I didn't want to make my journey public just yet and now I'll share my journal entries with you all....

September 8, 2009
I got my period today. Even though it was one day late I wasn't disappointed. It's funny how sometimes you just know. I knew it wasn't my month. Still there's that little shade of what wants to be hope waiting on the sidelines waiting to make the change.
Once that shadow of the desire of hope is smudged out of existence comes the fear and pressure from the time crunch. I am now 28 and as my new OB put it "if we're going to do this, the faster [I] get pregnant, the safer it will be for all involved." According to the little bit of research that exists on the subject the risk for PPCM goes up with pregnancy after the age of 30. Not to mention that the chances of multiple pregnancies goes up shortly after the age of 30 as well which can also increase the chance of PPCM.
My rational side tells me that it's not likely that it will take us a year to get pregnant (much less 2). Sadly, hormones and rational thinking are not BFFs so I know that each month I have to deal with PMS I know I will have to deal with these irrational fears. So here's hoping that there are not many PMS weeks in my near future!


Thanks to the tons of therapy I knew myself well enough to know that if this didn't work quickly I was going to have to deal with all sorts of irrational fears. Unfortunately being aware of them doesn't make them less frightening. Beyond that I had to deal with external fears. My family was just as scared (if not more) scared than I was and it's really hard to keep a positive outlook on things when people you love are still questioning your decisions. My hubby seemed like he was the only one in my corner for a while and I was afraid of even telling our family we were trying (tho everyone had their suspicions). A pregnancy was going to be simply impossible to keep a secret despite the fact that we live in a different state than our family, but we are still too close. So I had to prepare my family for my (hopefully) fast approaching pregnancy and find a way to deal with those irrational fears of my own...and so my trip down Mommy Lane just kept getting more complicated by the month!

to be continued...

What does it take?--Part 8 (Final)

And so now you know everything I had to do to get all the doctors going in the right direction, what I've gone thru and how it affected. And now what? Well, now we try the whole 'we're having a baby!' thing again. Easy enough right? Funny, kids don't come right when you want them...so that was a journey all on its own! And so the beginning of a new journey on my trip down Mommy Lane begins...trying to get pregnant!

What does it take?--Part 7

In mid July of 2009 I finally got to meet the perinatologist (high risk OB) and she reacted as most doctors usually react when they meet me. She asked me about my condition and how it's affected me personally. I told her how I was lucky enough to have recovered and unlucky enough to not have my daughter, and how we wanted to try again. She went on this long rant about how I was not treasuring my life enough and how I shouldn't gamble it away on another pregnancy. She kept talking to my husband about whether he was ready to raise a child on his own and since they would probably have to deliver early that it would probably end up being a special needs child. She didn't tell us anything we hadn't already read about or considered but having it thrown in our faces had me feeling distraught to say the least. We told her it wasn't a decision we had made lightly, we had considered the risks and consequences for nearly two years and that we felt that considering my particular statistics the chance of relapse was somewhere between 2-10%, that according to the cardiologists we had seen and consulted with (one being one of the leading cardiologists in the field) that my body should be able to take a full term pregnancy provided I continue doing exercise (as my body dictated); continue my low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet; and I am monitored very closely. She still seemed hesitant but told me that if our mind was set then we needed to get pregnant as soon as possible since I was so close to my 30th birthday, because once I hit 30 my chances of relapse go up as well as chances of other complications. We agreed with her, we told her that we were well aware of the time crunch and that was why we had gone to see her.
After I left I felt awful, I felt selfish and like maybe we had made the wrong decision. My husband held me while I cried and reassured me that everything will be fine. Then he asked me the one question that cemented our decision...what is the worst that could happen? My answer was simple as far as I was concerned:
Well, I know that I won't die, I can take this! Worst case scenario I end up relapsing, but since everyone is keeping a close eye on me I don't think I can get bad enough to where I would need a transplant. But our baby...I was not willing to consider the worst, worst case scenario...loosing him...b/c we were not going to settle for that again! But he could end up being born early...too early and that scares me. He could end up in the NICU and be special needs.
My hubs asked if we could handle a special needs kid, the answer again was plain to see...
Yes! We know a few little miracles that were born very early, and they all have grown to be very normal kids, yes they had rough starts, and their parents nearly lost their minds watching their little ones in the NICU but they all made it through and they all tell me that those tough times seem like such a long time ago and they are overshadowed by their kids' accomplishments and milestones.
We talked about that for a long time and he said "Ok, so we know we can deal with the worst case scenario, but what if we don't do it? You are completely recovered don't have to take any meds, and can lead a completely normal life, what if we don't do it?" I told him "Well, we'll always be wondering about the what ifs" he asked if we could deal with that, and we agreed that we could not, so with that our decision was made and we were not going back! We were going to start trying to conceive our second (and last) child.
And after two and a half of the longest years of my life, I had finally reached another milestone in my trip down Mommy Lane.

To be continued...

What does it take?--Part 6

I've mentioned my therapist before but I don't think I've ever really talked about him. Since the day I woke up in the ICU medical professionals had been trying to diagnose me with post-partum depression, or just plain depression and have tried shoving pills down my throat or sending me to a support group. But in all honesty, when it comes to getting help it's only good when you are ready to accept it. When we moved it took a big toll on me and my husband and I dipped into an even bigger depression than I had before, my heart seemed to be under control and I now had to face the loss that we had suffered. I would have nightmares of waking up in the ICU and holding my lifeless child, I would be doing everyday things like shopping and have a flashback so real that I swore I was still living those early days and only dreaming of a less painful future. Of course those flashbacks would result in a horrible panic attack where I would have trouble breathing, I would start hyperventilating and would curl up in a ball and be unable to move from there. Eventually it all became too much to bare, what was worst is that I could see how much it would hurt my husband to see me go through these and not be able to fix me. So I went to my primary care manager (PCM) and asked for a referral to a therapist. I told him what I was going thru and told him I was ready to talk to someone about it.
A few days later, I met my therapist. I was overwhelmed by just how much stuff I had been holding in. It was an amazing experience to be able to talk to someone who had no stake in my situation, that wasn't affected by tears, someone who I could drop the mask for and I could just be as I felt at the time...broken. I realized that I had been too preoccupied with helping my family not hurt that I hadn't allowed myself to heal and the cut my soul had encountered had festered. That I had allowed the doctor that had neglected me to break me and that I was no longer the strong, independent woman I had always seen myself as. Slowly, we worked thru my pain and my fear and after each session I would recap it to my faithful husband who would always take some time off work to be there for me if I needed it and surprisingly it helped him too. And slowly we began to heal. That doesn't mean that it no longer hurts, I think it's always going to hurt. But it's manageable pain, I can now reserve time to cry if I need it and I know why I'm crying (which is so important). I can also allow myself to be happy without feeling guilty or out of place while doing it. All of this is thanks to my therapist. When I went to him to let him know that my cardio had given me the all-clear for having another baby he was beyond excited for me (no longer completely detached from my situation)and he was able to prepare me for what I could possibly feel as I tried to conceive, and when I got pregnant. And I still see him for "maintenance" lol.

The next step was to get a referral to a perinatologist (high risk OB) and that was an adventure in and of it's own. I felt like a hurdle jumper! I had to see my PCM (where all military referrals start!), then I had to go to a bigger military hospital to see an OB to get my annual exam and push the referral further, and after 3 months I finally got a referral....to a doctor that is no longer in the area lol, so I had to research local doctors then call my insurance to change the provider and I had finally set an appointment to meet up with the peri and see if she would take my case. And that was just another millions stepping stones on my trip down Mommy Lane...

to be continued...

Pregnancy Update! 18 Wks

OK so the last time I did a real-time update I told you all that I am pregnant. Well today I am officially half way down my journey! Since I have to have a planned c-section and since last time I was pregnant I went into congestive heart failure at 37wks my OB and I have decided that the best preventive route would be to deliver at 36wks, and today I am officially 18wks!! My last cardiology appointment (on the 2nd of this month) went great! I had my 2nd trimester echocardiogram and it showed that my ejection fraction (EF) was 66% well above the borderline "normal" of 55% and my heart was measuring all normal so I don't have to see him until July (just before delivery!) which is a REALLY good sign. My OB appointment went equally well I got the all-clear to go swimming instead of boring myself with walking everyday and we found out that the Bean is a BOY!!!
People ask me how I feel about having a boy after having lost our little girl. To be honest I feel relieved, the entire time I didn't know what he was I honestly thought I didn't care. However, now that I know he's a boy I find it a relief. I feel like had he been a girl I would have a higher chance of feeling more anxiety towards the end, that's not to guarantee I won't, not to mention I realized that I would have felt like I was holding my breath for the rest of her life, hoping and praying that she didn't get PPCM. Considering the research on PPCM is very limited and it's still not entirely clear wether PPCM is genetic or not I would have been scared.
So overall I'm doing really well!! I've gained about 2lbs so far and all within the second trimester (just like it's supposed to happen), I don't have any swelling, no shortness of breath--tho I have horrible allergies! And most importantly my little guy is doing great!
I'm on top of the world on my trip down Mommy Lane :)